Heal Trauma with Self-Compassion: Stop Shaming Yourself for Being Human

I believe that shame is a toxic emotion. The only toxic emotion, really.

While guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.” And I just don’t believe that any of us is truly, inherently, at-our-core bad.

Shame makes us do harmful things. When we feel ashamed, we feel like we’ve got nothing to lose, and we tend to act impulsively—doing self-destructive things or lashing out at others. The voice of shame says, “It’s all fucked anyway, so why not just burn it all to the ground?”

I believe that not allowing ourselves to be human is one of the major contributors to struggles with self-worth and low self-esteem.

We learn to shame ourselves for being human because the culture doesn’t want us to be human. It wants us to be machines. And forces like capitalism, white supremacy, and patriarchy benefit when we deny our own humanity and the humanity of others.

The most insidious part is that we internalize these toxic ideologies and begin to oppress ourselves. We create so many arbitrary rules and limits to the way we’re “allowed” to show up in the world and we stifle our true nature—our humanity—in the process.

If you’re ready to opt out of impossible expectations and embrace your beautiful, messy humanity, please read on.

We need rest.

Rest is part of the natural order of things. Everything in nature is cyclical and rests. There are four seasons. Day turns into night. There is a balance of action and restoration.

Rest is not just inaction—It rebuilds. It’s restorative.

Don’t push past signs of distress.

Systems of oppression teach us from a very young age to ignore our internal signals and push past signs of distress, in order to comply. In order to produce.

I do group somatic practice with The Numinous Network and one of the things we practice there is not pushing past signs of distress—stopping and backing off when we start to feel agitated or spacey.

This is such a great practice for those of us with a history of trauma (which I think is most of us).

Our bodies give us clear signs when what we’re doing isn’t working for us, if we’re willing to listen. In these small moments of practice we can strengthen the inner voice that was silenced for far too long and begin to rebuild trust with ourselves. This is part of reparenting.

Stop calling yourself lazy.

Laziness is not a real thing. I’ve said this for years, and then I was very excited to learn that Dr. Devon Price wrote a book called Laziness Does Not Exist! (I recommend it and can confirm, it is available at the Sacramento public library.)

We always have a reason for not wanting to do something. It may be that we are tired. Capacity is real and sometimes we just don’t have the bandwidth, whether that be due to a lack of physical, mental, or emotional resources.

Or perhaps that task or engagement simply isn’t a priority or something we value. That’s okay! But falsely labeling it as “laziness” stops us from being curious about our true motivations.

We have emotions.

In my humble opinion, there is nothing more beautiful, messy, or human than our emotions.

Many of us don’t want to feel our emotions. They can be uncomfortable, and inconvenient.

We may think they’re pointless, but emotions serve a very important purpose. They’re inner messages and an impetus for action.

Emotions guide us in how to most authentically live our lives. For example, anger arises when we need to set a boundary. Even anxiety has an adaptive purpose—to get us to prepare for the future.

We’re not supposed to be happy all the time.

Another lie from the culture is that if you’re not happy, you’re doing something wrong. But in reality, we’re meant to experience the full range of emotions.

Our sorrow is the roots of the tree, and the tree can only grow as tall as the roots go deep into the earth.

Our grief honors what has been, what we have lost, and makes space for more joy. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Let yourself cry.

I hope that things are changing more and more in recent years, but many of us grew up being taught not to cry, and equating tears with weakness. But I believe our vulnerability is our strength.

At its simplest, crying is a nervous system response. Emotional tears release excess stress hormones from our bodies. This is why we feel a sense of relief after a big cry.

If you’d like to learn more, here’s an interesting article on the evolutionary purpose of crying.

We make mistakes.

Part of being human is making mistakes. Many of us were shamed for making mistakes when we were growing up, and this can contribute to toxic perfectionism, which only holds us back.

Part of my own inner child work has been reassuring myself, over and over and over again, that I’m allowed to make mistakes. Mistakes can provide us with valuable information and fuel our growth.

“Self-esteem is your ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.”

— Terry Real

We change our minds.

You have the right to change your mind.

Many of us are spending more and more of our waking hours online, a place where people are encouraged to have strong opinions and sound really, really sure of them.

But it’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay to not know where you stand on a particular issue, and to need more information.

Within our personal lives it’s okay to change our minds too. This is an important part of setting healthy boundaries. Our boundaries need to be flexible.

It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to cancel plans. It’s okay to bow out of commitments that you are no longer resourced enough to fulfill. I believe this is more in integrity than showing up with half-hearted energy.

We are all a work in progress.

Sometimes my therapy clients want to know (and I have shared this same sentiment myself at times) “When is the work going to be over?”

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the answer is never.

So long as we are human, none of us will ever reach a perfectly-evolved, perfectly-healed state. Trauma healing, or any type of healing for that matter, happens in layers, over time.

There’s always more work to be done, but it doesn’t have to feel like work.

The journey is the destination. Giving yourself time and attention and care, and deepening into evermore intimacy with yourself is the reward, and you get to experience it throughout your whole lifetime, if you’re lucky and if you so choose.

For many years I wished that I could just hurry up and be over and done with this healing stuff so that I could get on with my “real” life and enjoy it. But this is real life—the journey, the work in progress—and I’m trying to embrace it. I hope you will too.

Resources:

Alecia Renece is one of my favorite YouTubers and her video it’s okay to fall behind: the pressure to keep up is exhausting was part of my inspiration for creating this post.

“Growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman.

Successful women? Yes. Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At ease women? Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who prioritise rest and pleasure and play? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax - without guilt, without apology, without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one. I would like us all to become one.”

— Nicola Jane Hobbs

Though she’s not currently active on Instagram, Nicola Jane Hobbs’ Instagram account has a wealth of inspiration for women wanting to live a relaxed, restful, sustainable life. I also subscribe to her email newsletter, which is currently active, where she provides helpful suggestions and journaling prompts.

Finally, if you struggle with toxic shame that is negatively impacting your mental health, you may need professional support. I provide anxiety and trauma therapy in Sacramento (or virtually, for California residents) and I offer a free phone consultation.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are too wonderfully human to let shame cast a dark cloud over your beautiful life.

September Self-Care: an Anxiety and Trauma Therapist's Top Personal Practices

For this blog post I wanted to share something simple, personal, and practical—the self-care practices I’ve been enjoying and focusing on most this month.

I told myself I’d limit the post to 3 self-care practices (I’ve been trying to keep things simple and not overwhelm myself) but I realized that there are just so many activities I’m feeling passionate about at the moment.

I hope you can draw some inspiration for your own self-care!

Finch Self Care Pet App

Finch is an app where, by completing self-care goals that you set for yourself, you raise a pet bird. The bird grows up and you can buy them clothes and decorate their apartment.

It’s like a Tamagotchi (*cue Millennial nostalgia*) except that if you forget to open the app for a while and neglect your Finch, it doesn’t die! Nothing bad happens, so you get all of the fun and none of the anxiety.

I’ve invited friends to the app and your birds can interact, and you can send each other encouragement.

It’s genuinely really fun and it has actually helped me be more consistent with my self-care practices. Sometimes I don’t want to practice the healthy habits for myself, but I’ll do it for my Finch!

Needless to say, this has also been a way for me to nurture and play with my inner child.

Outdoor Time

If I’ve spent too much time inside my apartment, I start to feel… bad. Stuck, stagnant, lifeless. Too much indoor time dims my inner light and makes me more prone to anxiety.

We often forget that we humans are a part of nature, and I believe that it’s not just a desire but a core need for us to interact with and be part of the natural world. Yet I live in a city.

Luckily, Sacramento has some wonderful parks. I feel like I have a personal relationship with the geese in my local park. Just watching them do their thing brings me so much joy.

Currently, I am delighting in the change in seasons. The weather feels just perfect to me, and I’ve been drinking it in as much as I can—sitting with my feet in the grass, reading a book or just taking in my surroundings.

This is what creates a sense of abundance—savoring all the wonderful things that we already have access to. Nature is therapy!

Going for a Walk

I hate to break it to you, but the most effective self-care practices aren’t some secret therapy insider knowledge. They’re the boring-seeming activities that you already know are good for you and just haven’t been consistent with: Walks. Journaling. Meditating.

Maybe it’s a sign that I’m getting older, but I’m really starting to enjoy my daily and sometimes twice-daily walks. Walking takes all the benefits of outdoor time and adds motion.

Something about the repetitive motion of a walk feels meditative to me. It reduces my anxiety. I know from experience that if I’m in a bad mood, two laps around the park is likely to cure it.

Embodiment

My biggest focus in September has been on embodiment. What do I mean by embodiment?

Trauma Research Institute defines embodiment as “the act of expanding one’s self awareness to include the felt experience of the body, such as sensory, sensational, emotional and physical experiences, and incorporating that information into one’s overall conception and conduct of themselves, their identity, beliefs, behaviors, and ways of being.”

In short, I’m trying to live more in my body and less in my head, because that head-awareness is overdeveloped in most of us, due to cultural conditioning and systems of oppression.

For anyone with a history of trauma who is seeking to heal, embodiment is key.

Dance Parties

I’m a lifelong athlete and I’ve participated in many different sports and movement practices over the years. But it’s only recently that I’ve really come to embrace freeform dance. It’s a means of expression, as well as a way to process my emotions and release trauma and grief that get stored in the body.

I dance when I have the house to myself and close the blinds so I can feel totally unselfconscious. (If you don’t have the home to yourself, ask your family or housemates to be in another room to give you some time undisturbed.)

Then I put on a playlist depending on my mood. (Creating playlists is also one of my creative outlets!)

Next I begin moving however my body wants to move, usually starting slowly and becoming more vigorous as I get comfortable. It may feel awkward at first, but ultimately it’s freeing. Focus on what feels good and not on what it looks like.

Some days I may only dance for a song or two and others I may dance for well over an hour. Rather than following a set routine, go with what you feel as a way to honor your needs and desires, which change day to day and moment to moment.

Energy Work

In the past I have hesitated to share about energy work, because to many it sounds “woo woo.” But I have a renewed commitment to sharing authentically, so please, take what resonates with you and leave the rest.

Energy is real. If you walk into a room where people have just been arguing, you can feel it. This is what people mean when they say “You could cut the tension with a knife.”

Our energy—mental and emotional energy, psychic energy—can become depleted by other people draining it or from us giving it away too freely and not replenishing it.

I recently read the book Energetic Boundaries: How to Stay Protected and Connected in Work, Love, and Life by Cyndi Dale and plan to include it in an upcoming installment of my book review series Sacramento Therapist Book Club.

If energy work sounds interesting to you, this book is also available from the Sacramento Public Library.

One more resource recommendation: If you’re a mystic at heart like I am, please check out Sarah Faith Gottesdiener’s recent podcast episode for a deep dive on energy work—available on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

It’s Your Turn!

As we enter October, setting monthly goals is a great way to be more intentional about your self-care. Once your intention is set, you can improve your self-care by taking small, practical actions each day.

Think of it as an experiment. What sounds fun? What is a self-care practice (or hobby, or leisure activity) that sounds interesting to try?

If it sounds overwhelming or you doubt your ability to do it, take a baby step and start with some research. Perhaps one of my practices can serve as inspiration for you.

Overcoming Anxiety about Aging: You are More than Your Wrinkles

I’ve been thinking a lot about aging recently. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about the visible signs of aging in terms of my appearance and what that means for me in this society, particularly as a woman. Now that I’ve gotten a little bit of distance from that anxiety about aging and the compulsive thoughts and behaviors it provoked in me, I can see what lead me there.

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I blame consumerism. Okay, maybe blame isn’t the right word because I take responsibility for where I put my attention and the media I consume. But, much as I feel a bit embarrassed to admit it, I was influenced.

It started, innocently enough, by watching some videos about skincare. Videos that, in subtle or overt ways, promoted “anti-aging” products by suggesting that there was something wrong with my face. Or, there would very soon be something wrong with my face if I let nature take it’s course. That wrinkles and sagging skin should be avoided at all costs. Prevention is key!

It seemed like everyone was using these products and if you weren’t, then what were you thinking? If you can slow the hands of time, then why wouldn’t you?

I’m sure some of the creators of these videos are nice people. But this type of content was just preying upon and heightening the insecurities I’ve had my whole life—insecurities many of you have probably had too, as a result of growing up in a culture that glorifies youth and equates your physical appearance with your worth as a person.

Due to said cultural training, I don’t want to look older. I feel so fucking shallow admitting that, but it’s the truth of where I’m at right now. That thought doesn’t reflect my values. But I haven’t fully shaken the false beliefs I’ve internalized, despite all the inner work I’ve done over the years on my own and in therapy. Not yet.

I hate that it is widely considered complimentary (the highest compliment, to some) to tell a woman that she doesn’t look her age (i.e., that she looks younger). I hate the swell of affirmation I feel when I receive this type of compliment.

Anyhow, as a result of these influences and my own insecurities, I started using some skincare products with “active” ingredients and purported “anti-aging” benefits. It seemed harmless enough.

My Wake-Up Call

It wasn’t actually harmless though. I found myself spending more and more time watching skincare videos and online window shopping, trying to figure out what were the best products to use. This is now time I wish I could get back, time I wish I would have spent on the things that actually fulfill me.

I’d become obsessed. This wasn’t good for my mindset or emotions, and as it turns out, it wasn’t actually good for my skin either. I’m pretty sure I damaged my skin barrier and my skin got worse in the process.

The aforementioned products, with ingredients known to cause irritation, were too harsh for my sensitive skin and I would find my skin feeling… prickly the next day. Sensitized. Low-key irritated. And yet I powered through. I regrettably ignored my body’s signs of distress. I continued with my regimen, hell-bent on evading the hands of time. Until suddenly it hit me one day, a realization about the message I was sending to my inner child in doing this.

I was telling her, telling myself, that how you look is more important than how you feel. That it’s more important to be pretty than it is to feel good and physically comfortable. And that’s when I knew it had to stop. I was unwilling to continue upholding these false beliefs. So I put down the serums and began to take a more gentle approach, inside and out.

The Pressure to Conform

Just because I made the decision to step away from the “anti-aging” products doesn’t mean I’m feeling fully comfortable in my skin. Humans are social creatures by nature and we want to fit in with our tribe. Hell, I felt pressure to conform to a group of strangers on the internet! People who have no actual bearing on my day-to-day life. And yet I still got sucked in.

It’s hard to not want to adopt the behaviors of our peer group. Among my real, in-person connections, I see many people getting botox, fillers, and more. It’s not just limited to women, either. I see those my age getting procedures done and, alarmingly, in my opinion, those much younger doing it too.

It’s not my business what anyone else does with their face. But at the same time, it saddens and concerns me. I’m just speculating, but I doubt that many people make these cosmetic changes from a place of deep connection with themselves and alignment with their personal values. I’m willing to bet that most of them feel external pressures, pressures to conform. I believe that celebrities and “influencers” have really normalized injectables and other face-altering procedures.

I reserve the right to change my mind and maybe I will partake someday. But right now I wonder, worryingly, about what it’ll be like when I’m one of the few who actually looks my age. How will I feel someday when my face is wrinkled like a prune, while most of my peers remain preternaturally smooth with foreheads that don’t move when they’re surprised?

I wonder about how immobilizing your face, or at least parts of it, affects your experience of emotions and how others perceive your emotions. But now I’m getting on a tangent, so perhaps that’s something to explore further in the future…

What Ageist Culture is Doing to Our Young People

Anxiety about aging and obsession with a “youthful” personal appearance has become an epidemic, not only among those who show visible signs of aging, but also among teens and young adults who don’t even have their first wrinkle yet.

I learned some disturbing statistics from this 2021 article. According to a 2012 survey, at that time less than 20% of U.S. women aged 18-24 considered “anti-aging” skincare to be important. By 2018, a U.S. study by another company found that more than 50% of women aged 18-24 wanted to add “wrinkle-defying” products into their routines. I can only assume that by today in 2024, those numbers have grown exponentially.

Young Americans are spending their precious finite resources—money, time, and energy—trying to freeze time, so they can retain their socially-defined value. Their worth is tied up in glowing, bouncy, wrinkle-free skin.

I feel lucky, in a way, that I came of age in the aughts. I was worried about a lot of things (school, dating, money) but aging wasn’t one of them. Though I had many insecurities, including some about my physical appearance, the idea of looking older one day didn’t hang over me like a looming threat. I didn’t spend much time laboring over my face. And now I’m feeling nostalgic for a seemingly simpler time.

Obsessive focus on appearance distracts and disempowers us, and makes us miss out on our own lives. I know for myself, there are better things I could spend my time, money, and energy on. Maybe you feel the same way.

What We Actually Want

Love. We want to be loved. The aesthetic goals are a means to an end.

Here, I think of a therapy technique called the 5 whys that seeks to identify the root cause of a problem. Basically, it’s as simple as it sounds. You ask yourself the question “Why?” 5 times to delve deeper and deeper into your true motivations.

Example: I want to prevent wrinkles. Why? I want to stay looking young and beautiful. Why? I want to feel confident. People treat you better when you look more physically attractive. Why do you want that? I want to feel respected and admired. Why? I want to feel valued. Why? I want to feel like I have worth.

If what I really want is to be loved, why mess with my face? Why not just skip ahead, straight to the love?

Worthy of Love and Belonging

According to Brené Brown (one of my favorite authors of all time, truly) we all want to feel worthy of love and belonging, and we all are—already, right now, just as we are.

“The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now; right this minute. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created, unknowingly allowed, or been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

I’ll be worthy when I lose 20 pounds.
I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent.
I’ll be worthy when I can make a living selling my art.
I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.
I’ll be worthy when I make partner.
I’ll be worthy when I make more money.
I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.
I’ll be worthy if she calls back and asks me out.
I’ll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I’m not even trying.

Here’s what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness:
Worthy now.
Not if.
Not when.
We are worthy of love and belonging now.
Right this minute.
As is.”

— Brené Brown

As Brené talks about extensively in her work, there is a difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in requires changing who you are. Belonging is about being accepted, just as you are. My attempts at “anti-aging” were trying to fit in, and I betrayed myself in the process. Now, I want to belong, to myself first and foremost.

How to Begin to Heal Your Anxiety about Aging

Ok, so we’ve established that ageist appearance standards are pretty fucked up. So what do we do about it? The culture isn’t going to change, at least not anytime soon. How do we live our lives and feel good about ourselves when we’re bombarded with toxic messaging on a daily basis?

Educate yourself and dispel myths about aging.

Almost everything we’ve been taught about aging is a lie. Listening to this podcast episode featuring writer and anti-ageism activist Ashton Applewhite was a gamechanger for me.

I learned that we grow more different from each other as we age, so stereotypes that portray all older people as alike are misinformed. But in general, we get actually get happier the older we get!

I also learned that believing myths about aging harms our health and makes us more vulnerable to those things we fear about aging. So, your mindset has a big impact on your experience and how well you age.

I highly recommend the podcast episode, which left me feeling less fearful and more hopeful about the future. Ashton also has a book called This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism, which I’ve added to my to-read list. (I can also confirm that her book is available at the Sacramento Public Library.)

Get inspired by badass older women.

Right around the time I was in the midst of all this angst about aging, I sat in the airport waiting for my return flight home from a trip. The crowd was scarce—it was the last flight of the night, and my plane was only going to be a quarter of the way full. Sitting at the gate near me were two different older women who caught my eye, just based on how cool they looked. A sign from the universe.

One woman was with her husband and the other was traveling alone. They were dressed in two very different styles, but both exceedingly stylish. They dressed in their own unique style, not following trends.

Both women had plenty of wrinkles on their faces, but still seemed vibrant and youthful in spirit. Neither wore makeup. (This is no criticism to makeup, as I think it can be a fulfilling means of self-expression. Rather, my point is that at least in this moment, they weren’t trying to alter their facial appearances in any way.)

Each woman seemed utterly comfortable in her own skin. I wanted to be them. I still do. This experience was several months ago and yet I still have their images burned into my brain.

My ideas about what it would mean to be an older woman were scary. But the reality of these women sitting across from me in the airport terminal were anything but. They were aspirational. They were empowering.

Glorious Broads

Since my time at the airport I’ve been collecting sources of badass older women inspiration to look at daily, as an antidote to the ageist fearmongering that abounds. Seeing these women and hearing their stories makes me emotional every time.

They are unapologetic. They refuse to shrink. They are more confident now than they were when they were younger. They have stepped into their power.

• Glorious Broads on Instagram (You can also find them on Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, and their own website/blog.) If you check out one thing I’ve linked on my therapy blog, it should be this page! It’s that good. You’ll find clips of interviews with older women dishing out their hard-earned wisdom and personal stories. I wholeheartedly aspire to be a glorious broad.

• Ajumma EXP - “A flashmob dance crew of middle-aged women who celebrate the fierce Ajumma spirit.” I learned about them from this Good Morning America blog post. I originally learned the Korean term Ajumma, which refers to a middle-aged or older woman, from the book Flawless: Lessons in Looks and Culture from the K-Beauty Capital by Elise Hu. I highly recommend Hu’s book for a deeper dive into beauty culture, aesthetic labor, and the costs of an appearance-based society. (It is also available at the Sacramento Public Library.)

• A Glorious Freedom: Older Women Leading Extraordinary Lives by Lisa Congdon - Stories of women who have accomplished incredible things at an older age. Congdon calls herself a late bloomer and did not become a professional artist until the age of 39. (Also available at Sacramento Public Library)

• Collective Wisdom: Lessons, Inspiration, and Advice from Women Over 50 by Grace Bonney - Another collection of interviews with older women from diverse backgrounds and a wide variety of fields. The photography in this book is amazing and the photos really helped me connect to their stories. (Also available at Sacramento Public Library)

More on the Subject to Read and Watch

Some of the following links I have already read and others I’ve bookmarked to read/watch later, so please keep in mind that I may not necessarily agree with all the opinions shared. But if you’ve become as interested as I am about the interplay between aging, our physical appearances, our insecurities, and the culture, you may want to check out some of the following:

• A YouTube video from a financial writer on How Social Media Turned Us Into Youth-Obsessed Monsters

• The Age of Instagram Face - A New Yorker article on how social media, FaceTune, and plastic surgery have created a single, cyborgian look.

• Beauty reporter and critic Jessica Defino’s Substack blog, The Unpublishable, which includes posts such as Erasing Your Wrinkles Isn’t Empowerment, Anti-Aging Is A Construct, and ‘There’s no ethical way to sell products that target signs of aging.’

How will you approach aging?

This was a very personal post for me to write and I hope you found some value in it. You may disagree with some of the opinions I’ve shared here and that is welcomed! What I want most is to help people connect with their authenticity and make intentional choices in their lives that align with what they value most.

This week I encourage you to explore your own thoughts and feelings about aging.

Do you have anxiety about getting older?

Do you put a lot of time and energy into maintaining a “youthful” appearance? If so, do you feel that this effort is serving you?

What have you learned about aging from the family you grew up in and/or society at large? Do those beliefs align with your values?

How has your mindset changed over time, as you’ve gotten older?

There are so many aspects of this topic to explore. It could make for a good journaling exercise, or something to dive into in therapy, or to talk over with a trusted friend.

Letters from Love: A Journaling Practice for Unconditional Self-Love

I was going to write a different blog post this week, on an entirely different topic. I’ve got that post in draft and I’ll share it in the near future. But what I want for this therapy blog space is to share what feels most compelling to me at the moment, what’s top of mind. The things I’m really feeling passionate about. And this week, being introduced the practice I’m about to share knocked me on my ass, in the best possible way. It cracked my heart open so that more love could enter, and I’ve cried so many healing tears. Which is why I wanted to share it with all of you, A.S.A.P.! I want that same experience for you.

Elizabeth Gilbert

This week I listened to an episode of We Can Do Hard Things (one of my favorite podcasts, I highly recommend it) with writer Elizabeth Gilbert as the guest. For those who aren’t familiar, Elizabeth Gilbert is most well-known for writing the memoir Eat, Pray, Love.

In the episode, Elizabeth shared about her daily practice of writing herself letters from unconditional love and how she is now sharing this practice with her community on Substack.

Apparently this practice, also known as two-way prayer, is a lesser-known tool that originates from Alcoholics Anonymous. But you don’t need to be in 12-step recovery to partake.

I know the word prayer can scare people off, but you don’t need to be religious either. I think of this as a perfect spiritual practice for people who don’t consider themselves spiritual. It connects you to a higher power, but that power isn’t a god on the outside—it’s simply the kindest, wisest part of yourself.

The Harsh Inner Critic

Pretty much everyone I know, both personally and among clients who have walked into my Sacramento therapy office—most everyone who has shared a glimpse of their inner world with me—acknowledges having a harsh inner critical voice.

I used to think that this harsh inner criticism was just human nature, but now I don’t think so. I believe that we are socialized to think this way. We’re taught to shame and blame ourselves by the families we grew up in, or by the culture (and in this case I’m referring to mainstream U.S. culture, though it’s not exclusive), or more likely by both.

The harsh inner critic contributes to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It destroys our self-confidence and makes us feel like failures.

The practice of writing letters from love is a much-needed antidote to the ways that many of us tear ourselves down internally on a daily basis. It cultivates, or rather gives us greater access to, an inner ally—a limitless source of love, support, and comfort.

A Bottomless Hunger for Love

So often, we try to get this need for love met externally—most commonly from a romantic partner, but it could also be from a boss, a parent, or someone else. Or more than one person. When we interact with them, internally, we’re screaming, “Validate me!”

We make that person our Source and hinge our sense of worth upon their assurances. We make them responsible for relieving our anxiety. It’s not fair to the other person and, maybe more importantly, it doesn’t work.

I have struggled with an anxious attachment style (expect a full blog post about attachment styles at some point in the future) and I have described my heart as being like a bucket full of holes. External validation can never fill the bucket. It’s impossible. The game is rigged and no matter how much love the partner or whoever pours into me, it simply flows back out.

Self-love, however, defies those limitations. It patches up those heart-holes (not overnight, but over time) and the love sticks, leaving a greater feeling of security. I know this to be true, from personal experience.

The hard part is the how. How do you pour love into your own heart when you’re accustomed to berating yourself at every turn? You can’t just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and magically love yourself.

Self-love isn’t something you can force. You have to go gently. You have to take time and care and energy to build a relationship with yourself.

I won’t lie, it does take time to develop that relationship and it’s probably a lifetime journey of growing and deepening in intimacy with yourself. But the benefits of this practice are immediate and you can take comfort in your own loving words, today.

I adore the practice of writing letters from Love because it gives us a practical, tangible way to cultivate and nurture the relationship with ourself every single day.

The Practice of Writing Letters from Love

By now I’m sure you’re wondering, “So what do I do?” I won’t leave you in suspense. The practice is simple. It starts with a question. This can be any question of your choosing. Maybe it’s something specific that you need guidance about.

Elizabeth Gilbert uses the same open-ended question each time. She asks, “Dear Love — What would you have me know today?”

The rest is Love’s answer to you. If unconditional love had a voice, what would it say to you? Just let the words flow and don’t overthink it.

This is a feeling practice, not a thinking practice. A heart practice, not a head practice. Elizabeth recommends limiting yourself to 5 minutes to combat the tendency to overthink.

I find that writing by hand works best for channeling this energy of unconditional love. But there’s no wrong way to do this practice, so if you prefer to type it out, you can.

One other suggestion to help you embody that warm, nurturing energy is to refer to yourself with terms of endearment. I don’t know about you, but I come up with a million cutesy nicknames for the people and animals in my life who are dear to me. So if you want to give love to yourself, and receive love from yourself, the pet names are a good place to start.

Please see Elizabeth Gilbert’s post for more tips on the How? of writing letters from love.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I won’t share my own letters from love in their entirety here, but the first line of the first letter I wrote myself started with “There is nothing wrong with you.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing to fix, nothing to strive for, nothing to prove. I already love you. I always have and I always will. That cannot be taken away.”

Isn’t that what we all need to hear? Especially in a culture where we are told daily, hourly, that everything is wrong with us and it can all be solved by throwing our money and energy at the latest quick fix.

Many of us have never experienced true unconditional love. Especially if you have a history of trauma. Our parents did the best they could but they were flawed and human and they probably conveyed in subtle or overt ways that you were not enough just as you are.

I’m not here to blame your parents for all your insecurities. All I’m saying is that now you have the power to give yourself the deep, truly unconditional love you may not have experienced. Give yourself the gift of what your heart has been longing for.

The Universal Voice of Unconditional Love

There is a consistency in the voice of unconditional love. You’ll notice commonalities between other people’s letters, and among your own letters over time.

Love reassures us that it’s here with us and will never leave. That we don’t have to earn love. That we are worthy and deserving, just as we are. Love tells us to slow down, to rest, to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to prove ourselves. Stop beating ourselves up.

This voice of compassion is our true nature, but we have to invite it in to be able to access it.

Who is this practice for?

As a therapist and someone who has significantly benefitted from writing myself letters from love, I’m biased, and I think this practice is for just about everyone. But it’s especially useful for anyone who struggles with anxiety or has a history of trauma. And anyone who finds themself caught up in seeking external validation.

If you care too much about what other people think of you, this practice is for you. It makes a great adjunct to therapy or your own self-help work. Writing yourself letters from love is also another way to care for and heal your inner child.

Begin your own relationship with Love today.

It’s your turn. If you feel inspired, try writing a letter to yourself from unconditional love today. Please don’t feel overwhelmed or daunted by this task. It doesn’t have to be a big undertaking. Your letter could be just a few sentences, or even a single sentence if that’s what comes up for you. Don’t overcomplicate it, because the process is simple. Just say to yourself the things that you have always longed to hear somebody else say to you. That’s all.

Not ready to write your own letter from love just yet? That’s ok. Part of self-love and self-compassion is being patient with yourself. If warmth and support and reassurance still feels like a foreign language to you, you can read other people’s letters for examples and inspiration until you’re ready to dip your toe in the water yourself.

I’m sending unconditional love to all of you, dear readers. Take good care of yourselves and have a love-filled day.

A Therapist’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

Are you someone who makes New Year’s resolutions?

I can see it both ways. On one hand, waiting for the New Year to make a change is kind of arbitrary. I think it’s useful to view every day, every moment even, as an opportunity to make different choices.

But the New Year is a landmark in time and it’s natural to use occasions like this or your birthday as a prompt for reflection—What’s working for you and what isn’t? What are you ready to let go of? What do you want more of in your life? What would you like to be different?

Personally, I enjoy setting shorter-term goals throughout the year, but I don’t set a New Year’s resolution. A practice I do engage in, however, is choosing a word for the year. I got this idea years ago from Gretchen Rubin and her podcast Happier. Gretchen and her sister Liz pick a one-word theme for each year.

I don’t do it exactly the way Gretchen and Liz do because sometimes I can’t narrow it down to just one word. Sometimes there are multiple themes I want to make space for in a year. So I choose one to three words, or a phrase. This is the eighth year now that I’ve chosen a theme of the year for myself!

Internal vs. External

I love the word of the year idea because I think of it as more of an inner resolution than an outer resolution. I usually choose a word that’s a quality I want to embody. Instead of a more externally-focused resolution, this is less about what I do or what others can observe and more about my internal world and how I want to feel.

I want to take this opportunity to remind you, as I often remind my clients, that sometimes you can make a lot of internal progress that can’t necessarily be observed by others. Give yourself credit for this! It’s easy to feel discouraged or feel like nothing in your life has changed, but if your mindset has changed, then everything has changed.

What do you value?

If you want to choose a theme for the year but are struggling to come up with a good word, I think that choosing a value you want to embody is a great place to start. I shared my values in a prior blog post. Have you clarified your values? This list from Brené Brown is an excellent resource to help you brainstorm and narrow down your most important values.

Reflecting over the past year is just as important as setting intentions for the year ahead.

Before you get too carried away with setting a resolution or theme for the next year, make sure you’re giving last year the closure it’s due. 2023 was a difficult year for a lot of people and I understand that you may feel eager to move on A.S.A.P. However, you have to close the last chapter before you can start writing the new one.

Reflect back on everything that occurred over the last year. I like to look back over my calendar to remember events. You’ll find that so much has happened that you may have forgotten about!

What were the highlights? The low points? What did you learn? How did you grow? What challenges did you overcome?

Again, keep in mind that your accomplishments might be internal. Maybe this was the year you began to heal your trauma and no one knows it but you. Hell, maybe this was just the year you finally realized/acknowledged that you have trauma. Even that is growth.

This worksheet is a great way to explore those questions and more. It will help you both reflect on the past year and set a variety of goals for the coming year.

Can’t decide? Here are my top 10 suggestions for goals:

If you’re someone who’s looking for less of a theme and more of a concrete goal, there’s nothing wrong with that and don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Here are the practices, in no particular order, that I’ve found have been most impactful for both my clients (most of whom come to therapy for anxiety or trauma treatment) and myself.

1. Start a journaling practice: I recommend journaling to just about every client I work with. It’s an excellent way to become more in touch with yourself and an outlet to express your feelings.

   There are many styles of journaling so find what works for you, but I practice and recommend stream of consciousness style journaling. Julia Cameron popularized this in her book The Artist’s Way with the practice of morning pages. It’s so simple that people often wonder whether they’re doing it “right.” You just write every thought that pops into your head as it comes up, without stopping or editing. At first it might seem pointless, but I promise that if you stick with it and are consistent, over time it’s surprisingly transformative.

   The other type of journaling I practice and recommend is gratitude journaling. By writing down things you feel grateful for each day, you can retrain your mind to notice and savor the good things that are already present in your life. Just be sure to write down the things that actually spark joy and gratitude, rather than what you think you “should” be grateful for.

2. Start a mindfulness practice: This could be deep breathing or meditation or yoga. Honestly, anything where you bring your attention to the present moment is a mindfulness practice. It could be taking a walk. You can even turn everyday activities like washing the dishes into a mindfulness practice.

   Whichever you choose, the benefits are many. One of the most helpful benefits, in my opinion, is that it helps you observe your thoughts and create a healthy level of detachment from them, which is integral in coping with anxiety and other distressing emotions.

3. Improve your boundaries: There are many ways to define what boundaries are, but I like this definition from Author Prentice Hemphill—“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” If you want to cultivate more self-love and also have healthier relationships with others, then it’s time to assess your boundaries.

   So many of the wonderful folks I work with struggle with people pleasing and codependency. This can be a symptom of trauma. Even if you don’t have a history of trauma, many of us, women especially, are socialized to learn people pleasing behaviors from a young age. And because we want the love and approval of others, it’s hard to shake these behaviors and prioritize your own needs.

   Do you have a hard time saying no and feel guilty when you do? Then this is the goal for you.

   Other signs that your boundaries could use work are constantly putting people’s needs before your own, and being in relationships that don’t feel reciprocal (i.e., you’re always giving and the other person is always receiving, but it doesn’t go the other way).

   Establishing healthy boundaries might mean walking away from relationships that are no longer serving you.

4. Improve your sleep hygiene: Sleep hygiene refers to your habits related to sleep—both the environment you sleep in, and your behaviors. Sleep is one of the most important factors that contribute to our health, both mental health and physical health. And most people just don’t prioritize it.

   Years ago, I read this article titled “Why Six Hours Of Sleep Is As Bad As None At All” and let me tell you, I was shook. As a therapist, I can tell you it will be very difficult to manage your emotions if you’re not getting enough sleep.

   So if you’re motivated to get more (quantity) and better (quality) sleep, there are habits you can start shifting today. I recently listened to an episode of the Huberman Lab podcast on optimizing your sleep and have been incorporating these suggestions.

5. Rest more: We’re all burnt out. Ok, not everyone, but burnout is an epidemic right now. Hustle/grind culture is toxic. That’s a topic I could talk about at length and will probably write a full post about at some point.

   As I write this, I see trees with bare branches outside my window. Everything in nature rests. It needs to. We are not an exception to that. Our energy is finite.

   Yes, sleep is super important as I just discussed, but we also need rest. Rest is any activity that’s restorative, that gives us more energy than it takes.

   My favorite almost-daily rest practice is taking what I call a “fake nap.” I can’t usually fall asleep for a real nap, but I just lie down and close my eyes for a while. Your rest might be knitting, or coloring, or going for a leisurely walk.

   Please note that just because an activity is passive, doesn’t make it rest. For example, I don’t think scrolling through social media is rest because it’s not truly restorative. For most of us, it’s a way of numbing out and it makes us feel depleted afterwards, not restored.

6. Take care of your inner child: Most of my clients come to therapy saying they want to love themselves more. This is how you do it, by taking care of that most vulnerable, most authentic, often wounded part of yourself. Check out this blog post where I go into all the details of how to begin caring for your inner child.

7. Reevaluate your relationship with technology: As you could probably tell from the item about rest, I’m not a huge fan of social media. Technology addiction is a real thing and most of us spend way too much time looking at a screen. I’m not condemning technology, there are many benefits, but most of us could stand to do a digital detox.

   A book that really motivated me to change my relationship with technology was Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention—And How to Think Deeply Again by Johann Hari. I’d say this was one of the top two books I read last year, so check it out if it sounds interesting to you. I often find non-fiction books to be dry but this one was not at all. The author has a humorous and relatable style that’s very engaging.

8. Spend more time in nature: Studies have shown that spending time in nature significantly improves our mental health and emotional well-being. But I don’t think I need to tell you that as I’m sure you’ve felt those benefits firsthand.

   I think the “how to” is obvious here, so incorporate some daily or weekly nature time. Even if you’re a city-dweller, you can find local parks and green spaces. Getting out there for even a short time is beneficial. And while this is no replacement for going outside, you can also bring some nature to your indoor spaces with plants.

9. Do something creative: I’ve mentioned the problems with too much media consumption. Well, creation is the opposite of consumption and we need a balance of both.

   I believe we are all creative. When I bring up the topic of creativity, most people immediately think of visual art, or music. And those are great! But if those aren’t your passions, you may say you’re not creative, and that’s just not true.

   Let’s expand our definition of creativity. To create is to make something, to bring something into existence that did not exist before. That could be cooking a meal. Or building a piece of IKEA furniture. Or telling a joke.

   You are creative. And engaging in creative pursuits helps us relieve stress, among so many other benefits.

   The media you consume can clue you in to what might make a good creative pursuit for you. Do you like watching sports? Find a sport to start playing yourself. Enjoy scrolling through fashion accounts on social media? Go play dress-up in your own closet and invent some new outfits.

10. Try something new: Years ago I learned from Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project that novelty and challenge are two things that almost universally make people happier.

    So make new friends. Try a new restaurant or type of cuisine. Start a new hobby. That could double as your creative pursuit too!

    What have you always wanted to do but felt too afraid to? What have you kept putting off for a more “ideal” time? Let the New Year remind you that there’s no better time than the present.

Need help getting started?

If you want to increase your chances of following through on your New Year’s intention, you’re going to need some form of accountability. This might look like logging your new habit in your planner or journal, or checking in with a friend to give updates about your progress. Maybe you’ve got a friend with a similar goal and you guys can work on it together!

If your goal relates to your mental health, or if you feel like you need more guidance or more support than a friend can provide, you might consider therapy. If you live in Sacramento and this post resonated with you, feel free to set up a call with me.

Music Therapy: 5 Songs To Boost Your Mood When You Feel Like Sh*t

Author’s note: This is another throwback post. I originally wrote this blog post in November of 2017, and I’m sharing it now as part of my season of being seen. While the songs may not be the most current, I still believe that each of them can speak to your soul and empower you. This post is for those crappy self-esteem days we all have. I share how (and why) to use music as an easy, accessible way to begin lifting yourself out of those moods. I hope these recommendations resonate with you.

Maybe you're just having a bad day or maybe you've felt like this for a while now. We've all been there. The voice of insecurity speaks loud and clear inside your head. It seems that no part of yourself has been left untouched by this self-criticism; you can't stand what you see in the mirror and pick yourself apart. You feel like a crappy parent or partner. You fear that you're incompetent at your job and worry that you'll be 'found out'. You know there are things you like about yourself, but you can't remember them at the moment.

Or maybe you feel ok about yourself at the moment, but not about life. When it rains, it pours. There's constantly a crisis, another fire to put out. You're beginning to feel hopeless and dog-tired.

Whatever the case may be, you're not feeling your best. If you find yourself in this position, I have a few suggestions. Remember that you are not alone, you're not the only person who has felt this way. Try to extend the same kindness and gentleness to yourself that you would to a loved one. And don't get tunnel vision; when things are going wrong we tend to hyper-focus on the negatives while ignoring the good that remains. Try to step back, get some perspective, and take a more balanced point of view.

One thing that I often forget about, despite how simple and effective it can be, is the healing power of music. Music is therapy; it’s an almost universal source of joy for humans. Years and years ago, before modern technology, our ancestors would sit around a campfire at night, tell stories, and sing and dance. And I'm sure you've experienced that zing of glee when your favorite song comes on the radio. Music is a resource that's always available to you.

Here are five of my favorite songs to uplift you during difficult times:

1. Colbie Cailat - Try

This song speaks to the intense pressure many of us feel to change ourselves in order to meet other people's (and society's) expectations. We all want to be accepted, but Colbie reminds us that we are good enough as we are and that the most important thing is how you feel about yourself. As we watch the video, we see the relief that Colbie and the others feel when they stop trying so hard to fit in and embrace their authentic selves.

2. India Arie - Beautiful Flower

Like Colbie's song, in Beautiful Flower, India Arie touches upon the cultural pressures to look a certain way. But this song is about so much more. While it's specifically directed at girls, I believe that India's message is something we all need to hear at times. It is about being multifaceted, special, and resilient. Many of us, especially those of us with a history of trauma, underestimate ourselves. But you are more powerful than you know. If you find that you are doubting yourself, let this song be your affirmation.

3. Matisyahu - Live Like A Warrior

This song is about those times when you're trying your hardest, but it seems like everything (and everyone) is against you; those times when life just feels so unfair and you feel exhausted. You have a choice - you can give into hopelessness or you can harness your inner warrior. He encourages you to let go of past mistakes and start fresh, with renewed energy. This one is a little more fast-paced, which just adds to that uplifting feeling.

4. Katy Perry - Rise

Katy Perry's Rise is an anthem for the trauma survivor. For the resilient one, the person who gets back up no matter how many times they get knocked down. The character Katy portrays in the video isn't without insecurities. She has her doubts, and yet she still persists. There's a part of her, her inner wisdom, that knows better and pushes her to persevere. No matter what, she doesn't stop fighting. The beautiful visuals underscore the sentiments of the lyrics.

5. Amy Steinberg - Exactly

This song implores us to accept what is with the repeated mantra "I am exactly where I need to be". I believe that much of our anxiety and emotional suffering is a result of our refusal to accept the reality of present circumstances. But it's only once we accept what is that we can change what we don't like. Amy's song is deeply spiritual, but not in a way that favors any one religion or spiritual tradition. Instead, she simply acknowledges the interconnection of all things, including nature. I find the lyrics to be brilliantly poetic and the tune is delightfully catchy.

Have your own music therapy sesh!

Give these songs a listen today or, if they’re not your cup of tea, create your own mood boosting playlist. For Spotify users, if you search “mood boost,” there are a number of pre-made playlist options. The bottom line is, I encourage you to take advantage of the therapeutic and transformative power of music because it’s so easily accessible.

However, if you’re struggling with your mental health and no amount of coping skills seem to make a difference, it may be time to seek help. You don’t have to go it alone. If you’re in the Sacramento area (or if you live elsewhere in California and are open to online therapy) please don’t hesitate to reach out for a free 15-minute phone consultation.

My Values as a Therapist

When I opened my private therapy practice in Sacramento in 2017, I realized I needed to identify my values as a therapist. I thought about what qualities are most important to develop in the process of trauma and anxiety treatment. I am passionate about helping my clients cultivate mindfulness, intuition, authenticity, connection, and empowerment. These values are my guideposts in the journey of healing.

Mindfulness is a buzzword these days, and for good reason. With all the distractions that abound (hello smartphones!) it’s something we need now more than ever.

So what exactly is mindfulness? It’s simply focusing your attention on the present moment and observing your mind, your body, and your surroundings.

When we’re constantly mentally reliving the disappointments of the past or worrying about all the ways things could go wrong in the future, we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering. Mindfulness is the antidote to anxiety.

I teach my therapy clients techniques to stay grounded in the here and now, because your life only truly exists in this moment.

When you are mindful, amid the quiet and stillness you may notice a calm, wise voice within. This is the voice of your intuition.

It may tell you that you’re not living the life that’s meant for you—that it’s time to change careers or end a relationship. Or that you’re finally ready to start healing your trauma.

Messages from your intuition can feel scary, because change can feel scary, and you may try to rationalize them away.

If your life looks good on paper but you still feel like something’s missing, it’s probably because you’re not following your intuition.

By following the inner guidance of your intuition, you begin to come home to yourself.

You’ve heard it a million times – “Just be yourself.” It may sound like trite advice but the alternative has serious consequences.

According to author and former palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware, the number one regret of the dying is that they lived the life others expected of them, instead of living a life true to themselves.

When we’re ruled by anxiety and trauma, it can feel too risky to share your authentic self. So how do you begin to live an authentic life?

I believe that authenticity is a potent combination of vulnerability and embracing imperfection. It involves taking the risk of expressing your true feelings.

The magical thing about authenticity is that it bonds you to people. When others see you living your truth, it gives them permission—better yet, inspiration—to do the same.

Humans are social creatures by nature and our brains are wired to form meaningful connections with others. Thousands of years ago, our survival was dependent on the ‘safety in numbers’ of our tribe.

Today, isolation may not threaten your physical safety, but it negatively impacts your emotional well-being.

I guide my therapy clients to form healthier relationships so that instead of just getting by, they can truly thrive.

Having built a solid foundation of mindfulness, intuition, authenticity, and connection, my ultimate goal for my clients is for them to leave therapy feeling empowered.

I take a strengths-based approach to treatment and I believe it’s just as important to look at what’s going right in your life as it is to examine the areas you want to improve.

By focusing on your strengths, you can become more resilient and cultivate a sense of confidence that translates to every facet of your life.

My favorite thing about being a therapist is helping people uncover their gifts and see themselves in a new light.

Do my values align with yours? If so, let's connect!

Are you looking for a trauma or anxiety therapist in Sacramento? Find out if I'm the right guide for your journey by calling 916.432.2300 or using my online scheduler to book your free 15-minute phone consultation.

How to Reparent Your Inner Child and Support Yourself Through Challenges

Previously, I shared about how perfectionism and anxiety around being seen held me back from publishing blog posts until recently. Today I’d like to talk about how I’m supporting myself, and more specifically my inner child, through the process of sharing my writing with the Sacramento community and becoming more visible.

Inner child work, also known as reparenting, is at the center of my self-care, personal growth, and healing work, and is a practice I utilize in therapy with many of my clients as well.

Inner child work has been a game changer for me and has contributed more to my feeling of wholeness than any other practice.

Inner child therapy has gained more attention in recent years, particularly as it relates to healing from trauma, but I’d still like to define some terms for those of you who aren’t as familiar with this work.

What is the inner child?

The inner child is the child we used to be, frozen in time and living inside of our current adult self.

It’s a vulnerable part of ourself. An authentic part of ourself. It’s our wounds and our gifts, all wrapped up into one.

Every past version of ourself that existed doesn’t just disappear when we evolve past that age and stage of development. They still live on within us.

The inner child isn’t a singular entity. There are many inner children within us, at various ages and with different needs.

What is reparenting?

Reparenting is being our own caregiver. It’s taking care of our wide variety of needs to the best of our ability—physical needs, mental health needs, social needs, spiritual needs. The list goes on.

Reparenting is soothing that child’s anxiety. It’s giving ourselves what we needed and didn’t get, or didn’t get enough of, when we were younger.

No matter how well your parents attended to your needs when you were a child, they were still humans with limited resources and they didn’t do it perfectly. Which is why we all need reparenting, not just those of us with a history of childhood trauma.

Everything is inner child work.

You may be asking yourself, what does all of this have to do with you, Alyssa, writing a blog?

Well, inner child work isn’t just about doing specific journaling exercises or meditations. It’s not just about watching Disney movies or cuddling a stuffed animal. Inner child work is not separate from the rest of your life.

Each of your everyday activities is an opportunity to heal and to deepen your relationship with yourself.

Reparenting Ourselves Through Challenges

There are so many ways to take care of the inner child. Today I’m going to focus on the growth that comes from supporting ourselves through challenges.

These could be big life challenges, like going through a divorce, navigating a chronic illness, or grieving the death of a loved one.

They could be medium-sized challenges, like managing the anxiety of having a difficult conversation or applying for a new job.

Or they could be the smaller challenges of everyday life, like feeding yourself regular, nutritious meals, trying not to lose your temper with your kids, or completing chores or errands when your mood is low and you just don’t have the energy or motivation.

The Support We Didn’t Get

My parents did the best they could, but when I encountered a challenge in childhood, they tended to do either too much or not enough for me.

When I was faced with an intimidating task, they would often let me quit or take over and do it for me. So I didn’t have to face my discomfort, and I didn’t learn to do it myself.

The other alternative, which also happened, was that I was completely left on my own to figure out the situation with no guidance, and the intense anxiety and feelings of overwhelm were too much for my little nervous system to handle.

And so I associated trying new things with stress and fear. Panic. Like being thrown into the deep end of the pool. Rather than learning to swim, you just end up choking on water.

There is another way.

As a kid, I needed an adult to ease my anxiety by holding my hand and walking me through a challenge step by step. But I still needed them to let me do it myself, knowing I could ask for their help if I really got stuck.

I needed someone to know me well enough to identify the right level of challenge for me.

Now I can be that person for myself, and you can also do this for your inner little one.

Finding Your Edge

I often talk to clients about finding their edge. This is a term I picked up years ago from yoga instructors.

Your “edge” is the edge of your comfort zone. It’s your right level of challenge. It’s where you might still be a little nervous, but not so overcome by anxiety that you can’t function.

In yoga, you don’t want the pose to be so easy that it’s no challenge at all and you feel like you could hold it all day. Then you wouldn’t grow. You wouldn’t get stronger or more flexible, and you’d be bored.

At the other end of the spectrum, you don’t want the pose to be so difficult that you’re white-knuckling it, shaking like a leaf. That’s not sustainable. You could injure yourself. Or at the very least, it would turn yoga class into something you dread instead of something enjoyable.

And so it’s the same with life. Sometimes it takes some trial and error of turning the intensity level up and down until you find your edge. But that right level of challenge is where the magic happens.

It’s where we find growth, and a sense of competence. There’s a little bit of risk involved, but not so much that it feels unsafe.

In somatic therapy, which is often used to treat trauma, we use the term titration to describe the process of going slowly—limiting experiences of anxiety and distress to bite-sized amounts, to help us build up our tolerance and prevent emotional flooding (a.k.a. overwhelm). This is another edge-finding tool.

What I’m Teaching My Inner Child

There’s an underlying message in everything we do or don’t do—beliefs and values we uphold. We have to ask ourselves, are those messages in alignment with my integrity and the life I want to create?

By letting myself be controlled by anxiety, staying small, and keeping my voice and expression to myself, I was sending myself the covert message that approval is more important than authenticity. I don’t actually believe that.

In stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing my writing publicly, I’m teaching my inner child the following:

• It’s safe to try new things.

• Taking risks, in alignment with our values, is worthwhile.

• It’s ok to make mistakes. You don’t have to be perfect.

• It is safe to be seen.

• It is safe to be your authentic self.

• Expressing my truth is more important than being approved of by everyone.

• We value vulnerability.

• You can tolerate feeling uncomfortable.

• (As Glennon Doyle says) We can do hard things!

Ways I’m Supporting Myself

How I’m Creating Safety within Challenge:

• Titrating (a.k.a. baby steps!): Only writing for a short, set amount of time and sticking to that expectation. Not moving the goal post and pressuring myself to write for longer than I initially committed to.

• Taking care of myself through every step of the process—before, during, and after:

• Before: Grounding myself to release anxiety. My mind feels clearest and my body feels most settled after I do one of my go-to self-care practices—some deep breathing, a grounding meditation, a walk around my Sacramento neighborhood, or some time spent off the grid in nature.
  If I plan my day so that the challenging task immediately follows one of these practices, then I can carry that grounded, secure energy throughout the process of doing the intimidating task.

• During: I make myself as physically comfortable as possible, speaking to each of my senses. I make sure I have a yummy drink. I write sitting on the couch rather than at a desk because that makes it feel less like work to me, less “official,” and takes some of the pressure off. I drape a soft blanket over my lap, and I light a candle or some incense to set the mood.

• After: I lavish praise on my inner child. Literally. In my inner monologue, I tell that little girl how proud of her I am, over and over again. This might feel cheesy, or fake, or indulgent at first, but over time that self-compassion becomes second nature.
  This is also a great time to reward yourself by doing something fun!

• Being vigilant of perfectionism: My inner critic is not invited to the party. When that critical voice appears, because it will, I usher it away and redirect myself. This is a boundary I maintain with myself.
  I write first, staying in flow, and edit later. I keep the editing to a minimum, to counter my tendencies towards perfectionism and nitpicking.
  I remind myself that it’s about the sentiment, the message, and the emotions behind it, not the exact words. I remind myself of my values and my goal for the therapy blog. I’m trying to connect and relate with others. If I’ve done that, then it’s enough.

• Boundaries: Not oversharing. I only share what I feel truly comfortable with. I only solicit feedback from those I trust—people who are emotionally safe and supportive, and who share the same values as me.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

— John Steinbeck

It’s your turn!

I hope that sharing my personal story has helped take inner child work from theoretical to something that feels actionable to you. This week I encourage you to identify a challenge you can support yourself through and begin envisioning how you would do that.

What would it look like to soothe your inner child’s anxiety, hold their hand, and walk them through it step by step? How can you titrate or break it down into baby steps?

Identify your values, why this is important to you, and the messages you want to send to yourself. How can you best use the resources you have? What words of reassurance do you need to hear? How can you make it feel safe?

Me and Little Alyssa are sending you and your inner child all the love and well wishes for your healing journey!

Sacramento Therapist Book Club - Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs

What is Sacramento Therapist Book Club?

Sacramento Therapist Book Club is a series of blog posts I’m starting, to review books on a wide range of topics that fall within the sphere of personal growth and trauma healing. I read a lot of self-help books!

I’m obviously a huge proponent of therapy for support and guidance on your journey, but there’s a lot of work you can do on your own to manage your anxiety and other symptoms, and just take better care of yourself. I want to share my thoughts to give you a better idea of whether or not these books would be helpful for you, before you purchase.

I value shopping local and purchase most of my books from Underground Books in Oak Park. If you’re also in the Sacramento area, I highly recommend them!

If you’re on a budget, be sure to check out your local library. I know that the Sacramento Public Library has a copy of the book I’m reviewing today.

Without further ado, let me give you my first book review!

Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty

I’ve followed Mara Glatzel’s work since the early 2010s when she wrote a blog on body image and self-acceptance called Medicinal Marzipan. Currently, I subscribe to her newsletter, and her podcast, also titled Needy, is one of my favorites.

Mara’s voice soothes my anxiety and her podcast is one of my go-tos to listen to when I’m resting, as I know from experience that the information presented in her unique voice helps me feel nourished and not overwhelmed.

When Mara released a book earlier this year, I knew I was on board and even pre-ordered. In my opinion, Needy is the ultimate guide to self-care. Not the idea of self-care we’re sold. Real self-care. The messy, imperfect, but oh-so-worth-it ways of meeting our needs that are actually within reach for busy humans.

Mara shows us how to show up for ourselves in ways that don’t adhere to some lofty ideal, but are practical and doable. She shares my values in that she acknowledges that this work is a long game, a lifelong practice, and not a quick fix.

Mara’s Style

One thing I really like about Needy is that it’s almost entirely written from Mara’s own personal experiences and work with coaching clients. It’s not full of scientific evidence or references to other people’s work.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with books like that, I appreciate science! But, they can tend to feel a bit dry and impersonal to me.

I love hearing people’s stories—personal stories, trauma and all. Whether it’s in my work with therapy clients, or in getting to know people in my personal life, or in reading a book or listening to a podcast, I want to get personal, and deep.

Mara’s way of writing is full of heart and kept me engaged, compared to other non-fiction writing that can feel like a slog to get through.

Opening

The full title of Mara Glatzel’s book is Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty. It opens with one of my favorite poems, “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver. This had me in tears before I even got to the introduction.

Oliver’s line, “You do not have to walk on your knees/ For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting” always gets me. And I think that sets the tone for this book. It’s a needed reminder.

So many of us, especially those of us with a history of trauma, carry an apologetic energy—sorry for existing, sorry for taking up space, sorry for being human. No more.

The Structure

Needy has a chapter dedicated to each of the following needs:

• Safety

• Rest

• Sustenance

• Trust

• Integrity

• Sovereignty

• Love

• Belonging

• Celebration

Mara has a frame work for self-acceptance in which we progress through the following stages:

1. Self-responsibility

2. Self-care

3. Self-trust

4. Self-love

Each stage builds upon the previous one. Advocacy can be woven into any of these stages, as we find the places where meeting our needs intersects with our relationships with others.

Each chapter includes journaling prompts and practices. This book isn’t just something to read, it’s something to do.

One of my favorite things about the way the book is set up is that following the explanation for each of the practices, there’s a section titled “THIS MIGHT LOOK LIKE…” It offers examples of how you might meet this need at each of the self-acceptance stages.

I so appreciate this. I’m always hungry for examples—What does this actually look like? How does one actually do this in your life?

Mara paints a clear picture of the tiniest baby step you can start with, and how meeting these needs can progress over time.

You don’t have to do it all at once! You get to be a beginner, or at whichever stage you’re at.

Finally, each chapter ends with a list of commitments Mara has made to herself, in order to meet the need that chapter focuses on (safety, rest, sustenance, etc.).

Reclaiming “Needy”

In both her podcast and this book, Mara Glatzel helps us reframe and reclaim the word needy.

Before finding her work, I had honestly never heard the word needy used with a positive or even neutral connotation. My inner people pleaser learned at a very young age that being needy is a bad thing. I’m still unlearning this.

I’m really interested in language—the words we use, how we use them, and the meanings—especially emotional meanings—they carry.

Sometimes I make up words, when the standard words don’t fit or I don’t like the connotation the culture has imbued them with. One such word I made up is “needful.”

It’s like needy, but positive. I’ll tell my inner child, “You are so wonderfully needful.”

Feel free to use this if you’re struggling with the word needy and if it resonates with you.

In Conclusion

I highly recommend Needy. This book is for you if you feel like you aren’t taking very good care of yourself. If you struggle to take up space in your own life.

“This book is for those of us who learned to mask our needs under an armor of self-reliance because our needs weren’t met as children.
This book is for those of us who don’t often feel seen, held, or heard.
This book is for those of us trying to tend to our needs in the hidden corners of our lives to protect ourselves from the intimacy of having our messy humanity witnessed and judged.
This book is for those of us who carry the story that no one would stay if they really knew us.
This book is for those of us who abandon ourselves in an attempt to belong.”

— Mara Glatzel

Your needs aren’t optional. Now is the perfect time to take your first step towards sovereignty, towards autonomy, towards freedom. Pick up this book today!

What Anxiety Feels Like: An Analogy to Help You Understand

Author’s Note: I originally wrote this blog post in 2020. I rediscovered it recently when I logged into my therapy website to start blogging, for real this time. I read the post and said to myself, “Why the hell didn’t I publish this?!” I’d been paralyzed by the fear of being seen all those years ago, and that’s something I’m still working to move past. I’m sharing this post now, in hopes that it can help someone. I also want to inspire you to follow my lead and put yourself out there in some small way. In the long run, we tend to regret most the things we didn’t do and the chances we didn’t take…

Imagine you’re sitting in a chair. You're feeling very laid back, casual; even a little playful. You tip your chair to balance on the back two legs. You continue to chat and joke with whoever's around when... uh-oh! You've lost your balance, leaned back just a degree too far. There’s a split-second moment when you know you're going to fall but you haven't hit the floor yet, a sense of impending doom. And in that split second, your body has changed. The sense of stability and ease you had has been replaced with a pounding heart, breath held in, sweating, tight muscles. You're bracing for impact. Your mind is focused on this crash landing that's about to occur and you can't think about anything else. Now take this feeling and stretch it beyond a split second. Stretch it over hours, days, weeks, months. Sometimes even years. This is anxiety—in limbo, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If you fall out of your chair, you can pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off, bandaid a scraped elbow if need be, and get on with your day. But with anxiety, the crash landings we spend so much time fearing rarely come to pass. That and our worries aren't isolated. As soon as we reassure ourselves about one potential danger, those thoughts are replaced by worries about yet another threat; it's unending.

Living with a mind that works this way is exhausting. I know from personal experience. I may be a therapist, but I was also born with an anxious brain. And I know that one of the most frustrating things for people who suffer from anxiety is dealing from well-meaning but unhelpful advice from loved ones. I'm sure you've heard it—"Just don't think about it," "Stop overthinking," "You need to get out of your head," "Don't sweat the small stuff." Oh yes, wouldn't it be nice to just turn your brain off? But that's all easier said than done.

So what does work? For friends and family members, just being there. Ask if there's anything you can do to help. Offer a listening ear. Empathize, but don't try to solve their problems for them.

And for you, the brave soul on the other side of the screen, the one who struggles with anxiety - What will help? Reducing your stressors. Taking care of your physical health. Changing your thought patterns. Finding social support.

I’ll dive into each of those topics in future posts on my therapy blog, but for now, know that you are not alone. Many other people have felt this way. The anxiety, worry, and pressures may be weighing heavily on you right now, but these feelings don't have to last forever.

If you live in the Sacramento area and are considering anxiety treatment, don't hesitate to reach out. I encourage you to give me a call at 916.432.2300 or follow this link to schedule a time to talk.

Anxiety Trigger: The Fear of Being Seen

It took me 5 years to write this blog post. I feel a bit embarrassed to admit that, but not ashamed. Not anymore.

I’m not even going to say I was procrastinating. More accurately, I felt paralyzed by anxiety. When I sat down to really think about it, I realized there were two main things holding me back—perfectionism, and a fear of being seen.

The Fear of Being Seen

I’ve always been told I was a good writer. And yet, writing this blog still felt anxiety-provoking. As a therapist, the overlap between personal and professional is… Well, the Venn diagram is basically just a circle.

The instrument of my work is me—my authentic self. My emotions, my personality. Yes, I learned some helpful things in school. But the core of what makes therapy work is the relationship, the connection between the client and the therapist. So to share about the work and what I do here, I have to share myself.

Strangely, the most anxiety-inducing part for me isn’t sharing myself with strangers on the internet. And I’m an emotionally-expressive, open book to my close friends. But it’s the in between that feels murky—acquaintances, people I used to know. People I went to high school with. (I grew up here in the Sacramento area.) My teammates. (I’m an athlete.) I’m naturally a very private person.

Like many people, I’m so uncomfortable with the vulnerability of putting myself out there. And at the same time, I have a deep longing to be seen and known. We all do, underneath it all.

Perfectionism

Beyond the anxiety of being witnessed and potentially judged by random old acquaintances, I put off writing the blog because I wanted to do it perfectly. I am still in a process of unlearning toxic overachieving.

In the current time we find ourselves in, there are an overwhelming number of resources (books, articles, podcasts, videos, social media posts - just to name a few) with advice about the optimal way to do any given activity.

There are millions of examples (again, social media) of people out there doing the thing we want to do and doing it better than us. So the little gremlin inside our head whispers to us, “Why bother?” Perfectionism is all or nothing.

Perfectionism is a specific version of the fear of being seen—it’s a fear of being seen as the flawed, limited, still-learning beings that we are. Many of us worry that we won’t have worth if we allow ourselves to be as flawed and human as we are.

Taking Imperfect Action

So why am I telling you this story about how much anxiety I had about writing a blog? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that you too are keeping yourself small in some way. Not taking risks. Waiting for a more “ideal” time.

In other areas, like hobbies, I’ve learned that you can only get better by doing the thing. I thought about trying jiu jitsu for 6 months before I attended my first class. No amount of putting it off could save me from the initial anxiety, awkwardness, and feeling inept that comes with being a white belt newbie. I got better by simply continuing to show up.

I’m an artist. I don’t get better at my art by researching. I don’t get better from watching YouTube videos of other people making art. I get better from putting pen to paper.

I learn the most from the drawings I don’t like. I get specific about what I didn’t like and what I’d like to do differently next time, and I pivot. We acquire new skills in the doing and the pivoting. Taking initiative and getting started is the hardest part.

“Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction.”

— Harry S. Truman

I had an old yoga teacher who would always congratulate us for making it to class and getting on our mats, as he said that was the hardest part. And I agree.

Once I start a drawing, I’m in flow, and it takes on a life of its own. My hand just moves across the page, seemingly of its own accord. Convincing myself to start the drawing and make the first mark is the hardest part.

As a recovering perfectionist, I hate the messy rough draft stage. I hate feeling inept. But life is one big messy rough draft to which there is no pristine final copy. We just have to scratch things out and make notes in the margins.

Feeling inept is par for the course in being human. If we want to try anything new, if we want to grow, if we want to be more than who we have been, we’ll have to start as a beginner.

Let’s journey together.

We’re all still learning. Will you join me in taking one small step this week?

What’s your imperfect action? Maybe you can finally take that fitness class you’ve been thinking about trying. Or ask someone on a date! Or start your application for the Big Opportunity that your self-doubt gremlin has been trying to talk you out of.

Let this be our season of being seen!

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Thank you for taking the time to read my imperfect blog post. I hope you found value in it. If you did, it would mean so much to me if you shared it with a friend who struggles with anxiety around being seen. I want this blog to serve as a space where I can provide mental health resources to the community in Sacramento and beyond.