Letters from Love: A Journaling Practice for Unconditional Self-Love

I was going to write a different blog post this week, on an entirely different topic. I’ve got that post in draft and I’ll share it in the near future. But what I want for this therapy blog space is to share what feels most compelling to me at the moment, what’s top of mind. The things I’m really feeling passionate about. And this week, being introduced the practice I’m about to share knocked me on my ass, in the best possible way. It cracked my heart open so that more love could enter, and I’ve cried so many healing tears. Which is why I wanted to share it with all of you, A.S.A.P.! I want that same experience for you.

Elizabeth Gilbert

This week I listened to an episode of We Can Do Hard Things (one of my favorite podcasts, I highly recommend it) with writer Elizabeth Gilbert as the guest. For those who aren’t familiar, Elizabeth Gilbert is most well-known for writing the memoir Eat, Pray, Love.

In the episode, Elizabeth shared about her daily practice of writing herself letters from unconditional love and how she is now sharing this practice with her community on Substack.

Apparently this practice, also known as two-way prayer, is a lesser-known tool that originates from Alcoholics Anonymous. But you don’t need to be in 12-step recovery to partake.

I know the word prayer can scare people off, but you don’t need to be religious either. I think of this as a perfect spiritual practice for people who don’t consider themselves spiritual. It connects you to a higher power, but that power isn’t a god on the outside—it’s simply the kindest, wisest part of yourself.

The Harsh Inner Critic

Pretty much everyone I know, both personally and among clients who have walked into my Sacramento therapy office—most everyone who has shared a glimpse of their inner world with me—acknowledges having a harsh inner critical voice.

I used to think that this harsh inner criticism was just human nature, but now I don’t think so. I believe that we are socialized to think this way. We’re taught to shame and blame ourselves by the families we grew up in, or by the culture (and in this case I’m referring to mainstream U.S. culture, though it’s not exclusive), or more likely by both.

The harsh inner critic contributes to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It destroys our self-confidence and makes us feel like failures.

The practice of writing letters from love is a much-needed antidote to the ways that many of us tear ourselves down internally on a daily basis. It cultivates, or rather gives us greater access to, an inner ally—a limitless source of love, support, and comfort.

A Bottomless Hunger for Love

So often, we try to get this need for love met externally—most commonly from a romantic partner, but it could also be from a boss, a parent, or someone else. Or more than one person. When we interact with them, internally, we’re screaming, “Validate me!”

We make that person our Source and hinge our sense of worth upon their assurances. We make them responsible for relieving our anxiety. It’s not fair to the other person and, maybe more importantly, it doesn’t work.

I have struggled with an anxious attachment style (expect a full blog post about attachment styles at some point in the future) and I have described my heart as being like a bucket full of holes. External validation can never fill the bucket. It’s impossible. The game is rigged and no matter how much love the partner or whoever pours into me, it simply flows back out.

Self-love, however, defies those limitations. It patches up those heart-holes (not overnight, but over time) and the love sticks, leaving a greater feeling of security. I know this to be true, from personal experience.

The hard part is the how. How do you pour love into your own heart when you’re accustomed to berating yourself at every turn? You can’t just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and magically love yourself.

Self-love isn’t something you can force. You have to go gently. You have to take time and care and energy to build a relationship with yourself.

I won’t lie, it does take time to develop that relationship and it’s probably a lifetime journey of growing and deepening in intimacy with yourself. But the benefits of this practice are immediate and you can take comfort in your own loving words, today.

I adore the practice of writing letters from Love because it gives us a practical, tangible way to cultivate and nurture the relationship with ourself every single day.

The Practice of Writing Letters from Love

By now I’m sure you’re wondering, “So what do I do?” I won’t leave you in suspense. The practice is simple. It starts with a question. This can be any question of your choosing. Maybe it’s something specific that you need guidance about.

Elizabeth Gilbert uses the same open-ended question each time. She asks, “Dear Love — What would you have me know today?”

The rest is Love’s answer to you. If unconditional love had a voice, what would it say to you? Just let the words flow and don’t overthink it.

This is a feeling practice, not a thinking practice. A heart practice, not a head practice. Elizabeth recommends limiting yourself to 5 minutes to combat the tendency to overthink.

I find that writing by hand works best for channeling this energy of unconditional love. But there’s no wrong way to do this practice, so if you prefer to type it out, you can.

One other suggestion to help you embody that warm, nurturing energy is to refer to yourself with terms of endearment. I don’t know about you, but I come up with a million cutesy nicknames for the people and animals in my life who are dear to me. So if you want to give love to yourself, and receive love from yourself, the pet names are a good place to start.

Please see Elizabeth Gilbert’s post for more tips on the How? of writing letters from love.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I won’t share my own letters from love in their entirety here, but the first line of the first letter I wrote myself started with “There is nothing wrong with you.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing to fix, nothing to strive for, nothing to prove. I already love you. I always have and I always will. That cannot be taken away.”

Isn’t that what we all need to hear? Especially in a culture where we are told daily, hourly, that everything is wrong with us and it can all be solved by throwing our money and energy at the latest quick fix.

Many of us have never experienced true unconditional love. Especially if you have a history of trauma. Our parents did the best they could but they were flawed and human and they probably conveyed in subtle or overt ways that you were not enough just as you are.

I’m not here to blame your parents for all your insecurities. All I’m saying is that now you have the power to give yourself the deep, truly unconditional love you may not have experienced. Give yourself the gift of what your heart has been longing for.

The Universal Voice of Unconditional Love

There is a consistency in the voice of unconditional love. You’ll notice commonalities between other people’s letters, and among your own letters over time.

Love reassures us that it’s here with us and will never leave. That we don’t have to earn love. That we are worthy and deserving, just as we are. Love tells us to slow down, to rest, to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to prove ourselves. Stop beating ourselves up.

This voice of compassion is our true nature, but we have to invite it in to be able to access it.

Who is this practice for?

As a therapist and someone who has significantly benefitted from writing myself letters from love, I’m biased, and I think this practice is for just about everyone. But it’s especially useful for anyone who struggles with anxiety or has a history of trauma. And anyone who finds themself caught up in seeking external validation.

If you care too much about what other people think of you, this practice is for you. It makes a great adjunct to therapy or your own self-help work. Writing yourself letters from love is also another way to care for and heal your inner child.

Begin your own relationship with Love today.

It’s your turn. If you feel inspired, try writing a letter to yourself from unconditional love today. Please don’t feel overwhelmed or daunted by this task. It doesn’t have to be a big undertaking. Your letter could be just a few sentences, or even a single sentence if that’s what comes up for you. Don’t overcomplicate it, because the process is simple. Just say to yourself the things that you have always longed to hear somebody else say to you. That’s all.

Not ready to write your own letter from love just yet? That’s ok. Part of self-love and self-compassion is being patient with yourself. If warmth and support and reassurance still feels like a foreign language to you, you can read other people’s letters for examples and inspiration until you’re ready to dip your toe in the water yourself.

I’m sending unconditional love to all of you, dear readers. Take good care of yourselves and have a love-filled day.