Overcoming Anxiety about Aging: You are More than Your Wrinkles
/I’ve been thinking a lot about aging recently. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about the visible signs of aging in terms of my appearance and what that means for me in this society, particularly as a woman. Now that I’ve gotten a little bit of distance from that anxiety about aging and the compulsive thoughts and behaviors it provoked in me, I can see what lead me there.
Falling Down the Rabbit Hole
I blame consumerism. Okay, maybe blame isn’t the right word because I take responsibility for where I put my attention and the media I consume. But, much as I feel a bit embarrassed to admit it, I was influenced.
It started, innocently enough, by watching some videos about skincare. Videos that, in subtle or overt ways, promoted “anti-aging” products by suggesting that there was something wrong with my face. Or, there would very soon be something wrong with my face if I let nature take it’s course. That wrinkles and sagging skin should be avoided at all costs. Prevention is key!
It seemed like everyone was using these products and if you weren’t, then what were you thinking? If you can slow the hands of time, then why wouldn’t you?
I’m sure some of the creators of these videos are nice people. But this type of content was just preying upon and heightening the insecurities I’ve had my whole life—insecurities many of you have probably had too, as a result of growing up in a culture that glorifies youth and equates your physical appearance with your worth as a person.
Due to said cultural training, I don’t want to look older. I feel so fucking shallow admitting that, but it’s the truth of where I’m at right now. That thought doesn’t reflect my values. But I haven’t fully shaken the false beliefs I’ve internalized, despite all the inner work I’ve done over the years on my own and in therapy. Not yet.
I hate that it is widely considered complimentary (the highest compliment, to some) to tell a woman that she doesn’t look her age (i.e., that she looks younger). I hate the swell of affirmation I feel when I receive this type of compliment.
Anyhow, as a result of these influences and my own insecurities, I started using some skincare products with “active” ingredients and purported “anti-aging” benefits. It seemed harmless enough.
My Wake-Up Call
It wasn’t actually harmless though. I found myself spending more and more time watching skincare videos and online window shopping, trying to figure out what were the best products to use. This is now time I wish I could get back, time I wish I would have spent on the things that actually fulfill me.
I’d become obsessed. This wasn’t good for my mindset or emotions, and as it turns out, it wasn’t actually good for my skin either. I’m pretty sure I damaged my skin barrier and my skin got worse in the process.
The aforementioned products, with ingredients known to cause irritation, were too harsh for my sensitive skin and I would find my skin feeling… prickly the next day. Sensitized. Low-key irritated. And yet I powered through. I regrettably ignored my body’s signs of distress. I continued with my regimen, hell-bent on evading the hands of time. Until suddenly it hit me one day, a realization about the message I was sending to my inner child in doing this.
I was telling her, telling myself, that how you look is more important than how you feel. That it’s more important to be pretty than it is to feel good and physically comfortable. And that’s when I knew it had to stop. I was unwilling to continue upholding these false beliefs. So I put down the serums and began to take a more gentle approach, inside and out.
The Pressure to Conform
Just because I made the decision to step away from the “anti-aging” products doesn’t mean I’m feeling fully comfortable in my skin. Humans are social creatures by nature and we want to fit in with our tribe. Hell, I felt pressure to conform to a group of strangers on the internet! People who have no actual bearing on my day-to-day life. And yet I still got sucked in.
It’s hard to not want to adopt the behaviors of our peer group. Among my real, in-person connections, I see many people getting botox, fillers, and more. It’s not just limited to women, either. I see those my age getting procedures done and, alarmingly, in my opinion, those much younger doing it too.
It’s not my business what anyone else does with their face. But at the same time, it saddens and concerns me. I’m just speculating, but I doubt that many people make these cosmetic changes from a place of deep connection with themselves and alignment with their personal values. I’m willing to bet that most of them feel external pressures, pressures to conform. I believe that celebrities and “influencers” have really normalized injectables and other face-altering procedures.
I reserve the right to change my mind and maybe I will partake someday. But right now I wonder, worryingly, about what it’ll be like when I’m one of the few who actually looks my age. How will I feel someday when my face is wrinkled like a prune, while most of my peers remain preternaturally smooth with foreheads that don’t move when they’re surprised?
I wonder about how immobilizing your face, or at least parts of it, affects your experience of emotions and how others perceive your emotions. But now I’m getting on a tangent, so perhaps that’s something to explore further in the future…
What Ageist Culture is Doing to Our Young People
Anxiety about aging and obsession with a “youthful” personal appearance has become an epidemic, not only among those who show visible signs of aging, but also among teens and young adults who don’t even have their first wrinkle yet.
I learned some disturbing statistics from this 2021 article. According to a 2012 survey, at that time less than 20% of U.S. women aged 18-24 considered “anti-aging” skincare to be important. By 2018, a U.S. study by another company found that more than 50% of women aged 18-24 wanted to add “wrinkle-defying” products into their routines. I can only assume that by today in 2024, those numbers have grown exponentially.
Young Americans are spending their precious finite resources—money, time, and energy—trying to freeze time, so they can retain their socially-defined value. Their worth is tied up in glowing, bouncy, wrinkle-free skin.
I feel lucky, in a way, that I came of age in the aughts. I was worried about a lot of things (school, dating, money) but aging wasn’t one of them. Though I had many insecurities, including some about my physical appearance, the idea of looking older one day didn’t hang over me like a looming threat. I didn’t spend much time laboring over my face. And now I’m feeling nostalgic for a seemingly simpler time.
Obsessive focus on appearance distracts and disempowers us, and makes us miss out on our own lives. I know for myself, there are better things I could spend my time, money, and energy on. Maybe you feel the same way.
What We Actually Want
Love. We want to be loved. The aesthetic goals are a means to an end.
Here, I think of a therapy technique called the 5 whys that seeks to identify the root cause of a problem. Basically, it’s as simple as it sounds. You ask yourself the question “Why?” 5 times to delve deeper and deeper into your true motivations.
Example: I want to prevent wrinkles. Why? I want to stay looking young and beautiful. Why? I want to feel confident. People treat you better when you look more physically attractive. Why do you want that? I want to feel respected and admired. Why? I want to feel valued. Why? I want to feel like I have worth.
If what I really want is to be loved, why mess with my face? Why not just skip ahead, straight to the love?
Worthy of Love and Belonging
According to Brené Brown (one of my favorite authors of all time, truly) we all want to feel worthy of love and belonging, and we all are—already, right now, just as we are.
“The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now; right this minute. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created, unknowingly allowed, or been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:
I’ll be worthy when I lose 20 pounds.
I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent.
I’ll be worthy when I can make a living selling my art.
I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.
I’ll be worthy when I make partner.
I’ll be worthy when I make more money.
I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.
I’ll be worthy if she calls back and asks me out.
I’ll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I’m not even trying.
Here’s what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness:
Worthy now.
Not if.
Not when.
We are worthy of love and belonging now.
Right this minute.
As is.”
As Brené talks about extensively in her work, there is a difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in requires changing who you are. Belonging is about being accepted, just as you are. My attempts at “anti-aging” were trying to fit in, and I betrayed myself in the process. Now, I want to belong, to myself first and foremost.
How to Begin to Heal Your Anxiety about Aging
Ok, so we’ve established that ageist appearance standards are pretty fucked up. So what do we do about it? The culture isn’t going to change, at least not anytime soon. How do we live our lives and feel good about ourselves when we’re bombarded with toxic messaging on a daily basis?
Educate yourself and dispel myths about aging.
Almost everything we’ve been taught about aging is a lie. Listening to this podcast episode featuring writer and anti-ageism activist Ashton Applewhite was a gamechanger for me.
I learned that we grow more different from each other as we age, so stereotypes that portray all older people as alike are misinformed. But in general, we get actually get happier the older we get!
I also learned that believing myths about aging harms our health and makes us more vulnerable to those things we fear about aging. So, your mindset has a big impact on your experience and how well you age.
I highly recommend the podcast episode, which left me feeling less fearful and more hopeful about the future. Ashton also has a book called This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism, which I’ve added to my to-read list. (I can also confirm that her book is available at the Sacramento Public Library.)
Get inspired by badass older women.
Right around the time I was in the midst of all this angst about aging, I sat in the airport waiting for my return flight home from a trip. The crowd was scarce—it was the last flight of the night, and my plane was only going to be a quarter of the way full. Sitting at the gate near me were two different older women who caught my eye, just based on how cool they looked. A sign from the universe.
One woman was with her husband and the other was traveling alone. They were dressed in two very different styles, but both exceedingly stylish. They dressed in their own unique style, not following trends.
Both women had plenty of wrinkles on their faces, but still seemed vibrant and youthful in spirit. Neither wore makeup. (This is no criticism to makeup, as I think it can be a fulfilling means of self-expression. Rather, my point is that at least in this moment, they weren’t trying to alter their facial appearances in any way.)
Each woman seemed utterly comfortable in her own skin. I wanted to be them. I still do. This experience was several months ago and yet I still have their images burned into my brain.
My ideas about what it would mean to be an older woman were scary. But the reality of these women sitting across from me in the airport terminal were anything but. They were aspirational. They were empowering.
Glorious Broads
Since my time at the airport I’ve been collecting sources of badass older women inspiration to look at daily, as an antidote to the ageist fearmongering that abounds. Seeing these women and hearing their stories makes me emotional every time.
They are unapologetic. They refuse to shrink. They are more confident now than they were when they were younger. They have stepped into their power.
Glorious Broads on Instagram (You can also find them on Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, and their own website/blog.) If you check out one thing I’ve linked on my therapy blog, it should be this page! It’s that good. You’ll find clips of interviews with older women dishing out their hard-earned wisdom and personal stories. I wholeheartedly aspire to be a glorious broad.
Ajumma EXP - “A flashmob dance crew of middle-aged women who celebrate the fierce Ajumma spirit.” I learned about them from this Good Morning America blog post. I originally learned the Korean term Ajumma, which refers to a middle-aged or older woman, from the book Flawless: Lessons in Looks and Culture from the K-Beauty Capital by Elise Hu. I highly recommend Hu’s book for a deeper dive into beauty culture, aesthetic labor, and the costs of an appearance-based society. (It is also available at the Sacramento Public Library.)
A Glorious Freedom: Older Women Leading Extraordinary Lives by Lisa Congdon - Stories of women who have accomplished incredible things at an older age. Congdon calls herself a late bloomer and did not become a professional artist until the age of 39. (Also available at Sacramento Public Library)
Collective Wisdom: Lessons, Inspiration, and Advice from Women Over 50 by Grace Bonney - Another collection of interviews with older women from diverse backgrounds and a wide variety of fields. The photography in this book is amazing and the photos really helped me connect to their stories. (Also available at Sacramento Public Library)
More on the Subject to Read and Watch
Some of the following links I have already read and others I’ve bookmarked to read/watch later, so please keep in mind that I may not necessarily agree with all the opinions shared. But if you’ve become as interested as I am about the interplay between aging, our physical appearances, our insecurities, and the culture, you may want to check out some of the following:
A YouTube video from a financial writer on How Social Media Turned Us Into Youth-Obsessed Monsters
The Age of Instagram Face - A New Yorker article on how social media, FaceTune, and plastic surgery have created a single, cyborgian look.
Beauty reporter and critic Jessica Defino’s Substack blog, The Unpublishable, which includes posts such as Erasing Your Wrinkles Isn’t Empowerment, Anti-Aging Is A Construct, and ‘There’s no ethical way to sell products that target signs of aging.’
How will you approach aging?
This was a very personal post for me to write and I hope you found some value in it. You may disagree with some of the opinions I’ve shared here and that is welcomed! What I want most is to help people connect with their authenticity and make intentional choices in their lives that align with what they value most.
This week I encourage you to explore your own thoughts and feelings about aging.
Do you have anxiety about getting older?
Do you put a lot of time and energy into maintaining a “youthful” appearance? If so, do you feel that this effort is serving you?
What have you learned about aging from the family you grew up in and/or society at large? Do those beliefs align with your values?
How has your mindset changed over time, as you’ve gotten older?
There are so many aspects of this topic to explore. It could make for a good journaling exercise, or something to dive into in therapy, or to talk over with a trusted friend.
