Heal Trauma with Self-Compassion: Stop Shaming Yourself for Being Human
/I believe that shame is a toxic emotion. The only toxic emotion, really.
While guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.” And I just don’t believe that any of us is truly, inherently, at-our-core bad.
Shame makes us do harmful things. When we feel ashamed, we feel like we’ve got nothing to lose, and we tend to act impulsively—doing self-destructive things or lashing out at others. The voice of shame says, “It’s all fucked anyway, so why not just burn it all to the ground?”
I believe that not allowing ourselves to be human is one of the major contributors to struggles with self-worth and low self-esteem.
We learn to shame ourselves for being human because the culture doesn’t want us to be human. It wants us to be machines. And forces like capitalism, white supremacy, and patriarchy benefit when we deny our own humanity and the humanity of others.
The most insidious part is that we internalize these toxic ideologies and begin to oppress ourselves. We create so many arbitrary rules and limits to the way we’re “allowed” to show up in the world and we stifle our true nature—our humanity—in the process.
If you’re ready to opt out of impossible expectations and embrace your beautiful, messy humanity, please read on.
We need rest.
Rest is part of the natural order of things. Everything in nature is cyclical and rests. There are four seasons. Day turns into night. There is a balance of action and restoration.
Rest is not just inaction—It rebuilds. It’s restorative.
Don’t push past signs of distress.
Systems of oppression teach us from a very young age to ignore our internal signals and push past signs of distress, in order to comply. In order to produce.
I do group somatic practice with The Numinous Network and one of the things we practice there is not pushing past signs of distress—stopping and backing off when we start to feel agitated or spacey.
This is such a great practice for those of us with a history of trauma (which I think is most of us).
Our bodies give us clear signs when what we’re doing isn’t working for us, if we’re willing to listen. In these small moments of practice we can strengthen the inner voice that was silenced for far too long and begin to rebuild trust with ourselves. This is part of reparenting.
Stop calling yourself lazy.
Laziness is not a real thing. I’ve said this for years, and then I was very excited to learn that Dr. Devon Price wrote a book called Laziness Does Not Exist! (I recommend it and can confirm, it is available at the Sacramento public library.)
We always have a reason for not wanting to do something. It may be that we are tired. Capacity is real and sometimes we just don’t have the bandwidth, whether that be due to a lack of physical, mental, or emotional resources.
Or perhaps that task or engagement simply isn’t a priority or something we value. That’s okay! But falsely labeling it as “laziness” stops us from being curious about our true motivations.
We have emotions.
In my humble opinion, there is nothing more beautiful, messy, or human than our emotions.
Many of us don’t want to feel our emotions. They can be uncomfortable, and inconvenient.
We may think they’re pointless, but emotions serve a very important purpose. They’re inner messages and an impetus for action.
Emotions guide us in how to most authentically live our lives. For example, anger arises when we need to set a boundary. Even anxiety has an adaptive purpose—to get us to prepare for the future.
We’re not supposed to be happy all the time.
Another lie from the culture is that if you’re not happy, you’re doing something wrong. But in reality, we’re meant to experience the full range of emotions.
Our sorrow is the roots of the tree, and the tree can only grow as tall as the roots go deep into the earth.
Our grief honors what has been, what we have lost, and makes space for more joy. They are flip sides of the same coin.
Let yourself cry.
I hope that things are changing more and more in recent years, but many of us grew up being taught not to cry, and equating tears with weakness. But I believe our vulnerability is our strength.
At its simplest, crying is a nervous system response. Emotional tears release excess stress hormones from our bodies. This is why we feel a sense of relief after a big cry.
If you’d like to learn more, here’s an interesting article on the evolutionary purpose of crying.
We make mistakes.
Part of being human is making mistakes. Many of us were shamed for making mistakes when we were growing up, and this can contribute to toxic perfectionism, which only holds us back.
Part of my own inner child work has been reassuring myself, over and over and over again, that I’m allowed to make mistakes. Mistakes can provide us with valuable information and fuel our growth.
“Self-esteem is your ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.”
We change our minds.
You have the right to change your mind.
Many of us are spending more and more of our waking hours online, a place where people are encouraged to have strong opinions and sound really, really sure of them.
But it’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay to not know where you stand on a particular issue, and to need more information.
Within our personal lives it’s okay to change our minds too. This is an important part of setting healthy boundaries. Our boundaries need to be flexible.
It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to cancel plans. It’s okay to bow out of commitments that you are no longer resourced enough to fulfill. I believe this is more in integrity than showing up with half-hearted energy.
We are all a work in progress.
Sometimes my therapy clients want to know (and I have shared this same sentiment myself at times) “When is the work going to be over?”
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the answer is never.
So long as we are human, none of us will ever reach a perfectly-evolved, perfectly-healed state. Trauma healing, or any type of healing for that matter, happens in layers, over time.
There’s always more work to be done, but it doesn’t have to feel like work.
The journey is the destination. Giving yourself time and attention and care, and deepening into evermore intimacy with yourself is the reward, and you get to experience it throughout your whole lifetime, if you’re lucky and if you so choose.
For many years I wished that I could just hurry up and be over and done with this healing stuff so that I could get on with my “real” life and enjoy it. But this is real life—the journey, the work in progress—and I’m trying to embrace it. I hope you will too.
Resources:
Alecia Renece is one of my favorite YouTubers and her video it’s okay to fall behind: the pressure to keep up is exhausting was part of my inspiration for creating this post.
“Growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman.
Successful women? Yes. Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At ease women? Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who prioritise rest and pleasure and play? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax - without guilt, without apology, without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one. I would like us all to become one.”
Though she’s not currently active on Instagram, Nicola Jane Hobbs’ Instagram account has a wealth of inspiration for women wanting to live a relaxed, restful, sustainable life. I also subscribe to her email newsletter, which is currently active, where she provides helpful suggestions and journaling prompts.
Finally, if you struggle with toxic shame that is negatively impacting your mental health, you may need professional support. I provide anxiety and trauma therapy in Sacramento (or virtually, for California residents) and I offer a free phone consultation.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are too wonderfully human to let shame cast a dark cloud over your beautiful life.
