How I'm Wintering: A Therapist’s Seasonal Guide to Self-Care
/The title of this blog post is a nod to Katherine May’s book Wintering: the Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, which I read last year, thoroughly enjoyed, and highly recommend. If you’re interested, it’s available from the Sacramento Public Library.
In this post I’m here to remind you that self-care is not a one-and-done, set-it-and-forget-it routine that you can blindly follow day in and day out. It needs to be adjusted according to the season—both the season of your life, and the season of the year.
As I’ve mentioned before, we humans are cyclical beings just like everything else in nature, and our needs are constantly changing. Attuning to those changing needs is a pivotal part of trauma healing.
In September I shared some of the self-care practices I was doing in the fall, and now I’m back with a winter update.
I hope to inspire you to take the best possible care of yourself—Always, but especially now when the days are short, the nights are long, and many of us are prone to seasonal depression. (Note: If you suffer from seasonal depression and are struggling to manage on your own, please consider getting support through therapy.)
Let’s dive in!
Gentle Movement
In winter it’s common to have less energy, and I let my movement practices reflect that. I still do more intense exercise a couple times a week, mainly for my mental health. I need that as an outlet for anger, aggression, and my more yang energy.
But, in general, I’m focusing on gentler forms of movement that have a mindfulness element to them, like walking or restorative yoga. Yoga is one of Bessel van der Kolk’s 6 ways to heal trauma without medication. I’ve been doing a short (often just 10 minutes) yoga practice most days, following free YouTube videos from my favorite instructor Black Yogi Nico Marie.
Going for Walks
Yep, walks are still my nature therapy and a staple in my self-care toolbox! This is one thing that hasn’t changed since the fall.
I feel grateful each day it’s not raining because that means I get to go for a walk. Cabin fever is real and as much as I feel cozy and content in my home the majority of the time, a walk gives me a literal breath of fresh air and some much-needed contrast.
I walk when I feel restless, cooped up, or have energy to burn. I actually enjoyed when it was so cloudy that the whole sky was white. And now I’m enjoying seeing more sunshine. I’m heartily embracing the subtle seasonal changes that show up from week to week. (Which I know is easy for me to say, living in Sacramento where the weather is pretty temperate.)
My walks aren’t just exercise for me. They’re a small, quiet way for me to engage with my local community. I enjoy smiling at the strangers (both human and canine) I pass by, and over time, I’ve come to recognize some of their faces. It lets me feel a sense of connection without taxing my highly-sensitive nervous system and introverted nature.
Sleeping, Taking “Fake Naps,” and Other Forms of Rest
Everything in nature rests in the winter. Animals hibernate. Trees shed their leaves.
The days grow shorter and nights longer. Due to our circadian rhythm, our bodies expect for us to go to sleep earlier and sleep longer in the winter. Yet, most of us don’t.
I am trying to listen to my body. I’ve been joking that I’m in hibernating bear cub mode. Making space for rest means letting go of some things. Less going out, more staying in. Less screen time.
I try to take what I call a fake nap every day. A “fake nap” is lying down and closing your eyes, but not actually sleeping. I’ve found that this is especially important for me as a highly sensitive person (HSP). Even just 10 minutes helps me feel more refreshed.
I love my fake naps, but if just reading that made you feel fidgety, please know that rest doesn’t have to mean inactivity. Rest is anything that gives you more energy than it takes.
Rest can be just sitting around doing nothing, but it doesn’t have to be. There are plenty of active forms of rest. For me that might be reading or watching a movie. For another person, dancing could be a form of rest! Choose your own restful adventure.
Lowering My Expectations of Myself
Lowering expectations of myself is, by far, my most important self-care practice and something I’m constantly recommending to my therapy clients.
I got some extra inspiration in this department when I read Nicola Jane Hobbs’ email newsletter in late December which, among other things, encouraged readers to buy store bought cookies for Christmas if baking caused them stress.
“I love you when -
Your to-do list is unfinished. Your house is a mess. There are crumbs on the kitchen surface. The cookies are shop-bought. You’re still in pyjamas at midday. There are toys all over the floor. Your hair is unbrushed. The mugs don’t match. There are unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink and a pile of laundry behind the bathroom door. You’re tired. You’re anxious. You’re not your ‘best self. You’re running late. You need to leave early. You cancel last minute because you feel overwhelmed. You share your fears. You share your joys. You have ‘nothing exciting’ to talk about. You let yourself rest. You let yourself cry. You let yourself be your beautiful, messy, imperfect self.”
I decided to not do the most for Christmas this year. And actually, to do closer to the least.
I didn’t buy gifts for everyone, just the people I’m closest to. One of the things I gave was a regifted item.
I didn’t go to any holiday parties. I stayed at my family’s Christmas gathering for just an hour.
I decided that I’m no longer doing things I don’t feel up to doing out of some false sense of obligation. (The word “should” is a clue.) My half-hearted presence doesn’t do anyone any favors.
For my loved ones who don’t live in Sacramento, I sent out Christmas cards knowing they would arrive after Christmas. A late card filled with warm wishes is better than no card at all.
One of my close friends stopped by for an impromptu visit and I gave her the Christmas gift I got for her, unwrapped! She was so appreciative of the gift, and didn’t seem to mind the lack of wrapping one bit.
There is space in my relationships for both me and the other person to be imperfect. And if there wasn’t? Well, those aren’t the type of relationships I want to be in.
I fear that some of you will judge me for my half-assed Christmas. I’m a therapist, but I’m also human. My hope is that in sharing these personal anecdotes, I’m also giving you permission to lower expectations of yourself, which is an act of self-compassion in any season.
Small Socializing
I believe that winter naturally brings a more inwardly-focused energy. And all the big holiday parties that are so common in the winter run counter to that.
If that kind of socializing energizes you, then that’s great! And I’m a little bit envious. But I’m here to encourage all my fellow introverts (and tired extraverts) to slow it down and keep it small.
I still have a need for connection and it’s important for me to get social time with friends and loved ones. These days, the kind of socializing that feels nurturing to me and fills my cup is in small groups with just one or two others.
It’s also at home—mine or theirs—in a relatively quiet, not-too-stimulating environment. Sipping tea, sitting in front of the fire, chatting.
It might sound boring to you, but I’ve learned to do what works for me rather than twisting myself into uncomfortable positions to fit the norm.
Try this on for size and find your “just right” level of socializing, which may look very different from mine.
My home is my sanctuary.
Having declined all the party invitations, I am fully embracing the homebody lifestyle. The energy I’m currently embodying is very much akin to the Danish and Norwegian concept of hygge.
So what does that look like?
Puttering around the house. Making soup, baking cookies, and eating all the comfort foods. Reading, under a heated throw blanket.
Just being—Petting my cats. Watching them play. Looking out the window. Gazing at the Christmas tree.
Reflecting, integrating, and metabolizing 2024. (Here’s a great positive psychology worksheet from Therapist Aid that will help you acknowledge your accomplishments from the past year and visualize the year to come.)
I give you permission to rest!
You might not have as much free time as me, but you can incorporate these practices into your life in small, bite-sized ways. Can you trade 10 minutes of scrolling on social media for a 10-minute walk around the block, dancing to 2 or 3 songs, or just lying down on the couch and closing your eyes?
If you need inspiration, check out Tricia Hersey’s books Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto and We Will Rest!: The Art of Escape. (Both are available from the Sacramento Public Library as well.)
