A Therapist’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions
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Are you someone who makes New Year’s resolutions?
I can see it both ways. On one hand, waiting for the New Year to make a change is kind of arbitrary. I think it’s useful to view every day, every moment even, as an opportunity to make different choices.
But the New Year is a landmark in time and it’s natural to use occasions like this or your birthday as a prompt for reflection—What’s working for you and what isn’t? What are you ready to let go of? What do you want more of in your life? What would you like to be different?
Personally, I enjoy setting shorter-term goals throughout the year, but I don’t set a New Year’s resolution. A practice I do engage in, however, is choosing a word for the year. I got this idea years ago from Gretchen Rubin and her podcast Happier. Gretchen and her sister Liz pick a one-word theme for each year.
I don’t do it exactly the way Gretchen and Liz do because sometimes I can’t narrow it down to just one word. Sometimes there are multiple themes I want to make space for in a year. So I choose one to three words, or a phrase. This is the eighth year now that I’ve chosen a theme of the year for myself!
Internal vs. External
I love the word of the year idea because I think of it as more of an inner resolution than an outer resolution. I usually choose a word that’s a quality I want to embody. Instead of a more externally-focused resolution, this is less about what I do or what others can observe and more about my internal world and how I want to feel.
I want to take this opportunity to remind you, as I often remind my clients, that sometimes you can make a lot of internal progress that can’t necessarily be observed by others. Give yourself credit for this! It’s easy to feel discouraged or feel like nothing in your life has changed, but if your mindset has changed, then everything has changed.
What do you value?
If you want to choose a theme for the year but are struggling to come up with a good word, I think that choosing a value you want to embody is a great place to start. I shared my values in a prior blog post. Have you clarified your values? This list from Brené Brown is an excellent resource to help you brainstorm and narrow down your most important values.
Reflecting over the past year is just as important as setting intentions for the year ahead.
Before you get too carried away with setting a resolution or theme for the next year, make sure you’re giving last year the closure it’s due. 2023 was a difficult year for a lot of people and I understand that you may feel eager to move on A.S.A.P. However, you have to close the last chapter before you can start writing the new one.
Reflect back on everything that occurred over the last year. I like to look back over my calendar to remember events. You’ll find that so much has happened that you may have forgotten about!
What were the highlights? The low points? What did you learn? How did you grow? What challenges did you overcome?
Again, keep in mind that your accomplishments might be internal. Maybe this was the year you began to heal your trauma and no one knows it but you. Hell, maybe this was just the year you finally realized/acknowledged that you have trauma. Even that is growth.
This worksheet is a great way to explore those questions and more. It will help you both reflect on the past year and set a variety of goals for the coming year.
Can’t decide? Here are my top 10 suggestions for goals:
If you’re someone who’s looking for less of a theme and more of a concrete goal, there’s nothing wrong with that and don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Here are the practices, in no particular order, that I’ve found have been most impactful for both my clients (most of whom come to therapy for anxiety or trauma treatment) and myself.
Start a journaling practice: I recommend journaling to just about every client I work with. It’s an excellent way to become more in touch with yourself and an outlet to express your feelings.
There are many styles of journaling so find what works for you, but I practice and recommend stream of consciousness style journaling. Julia Cameron popularized this in her book The Artist’s Way with the practice of morning pages. It’s so simple that people often wonder whether they’re doing it “right.” You just write every thought that pops into your head as it comes up, without stopping or editing. At first it might seem pointless, but I promise that if you stick with it and are consistent, over time it’s surprisingly transformative.
The other type of journaling I practice and recommend is gratitude journaling. By writing down things you feel grateful for each day, you can retrain your mind to notice and savor the good things that are already present in your life. Just be sure to write down the things that actually spark joy and gratitude, rather than what you think you “should” be grateful for.
Start a mindfulness practice: This could be deep breathing or meditation or yoga. Honestly, anything where you bring your attention to the present moment is a mindfulness practice. It could be taking a walk. You can even turn everyday activities like washing the dishes into a mindfulness practice.
Whichever you choose, the benefits are many. One of the most helpful benefits, in my opinion, is that it helps you observe your thoughts and create a healthy level of detachment from them, which is integral in coping with anxiety and other distressing emotions.
Improve your boundaries: There are many ways to define what boundaries are, but I like this definition from Author Prentice Hemphill—“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” If you want to cultivate more self-love and also have healthier relationships with others, then it’s time to assess your boundaries.
So many of the wonderful folks I work with struggle with people pleasing and codependency. This can be a symptom of trauma. Even if you don’t have a history of trauma, many of us, women especially, are socialized to learn people pleasing behaviors from a young age. And because we want the love and approval of others, it’s hard to shake these behaviors and prioritize your own needs.
Do you have a hard time saying no and feel guilty when you do? Then this is the goal for you.
Other signs that your boundaries could use work are constantly putting people’s needs before your own, and being in relationships that don’t feel reciprocal (i.e., you’re always giving and the other person is always receiving, but it doesn’t go the other way).
Establishing healthy boundaries might mean walking away from relationships that are no longer serving you.
Improve your sleep hygiene: Sleep hygiene refers to your habits related to sleep—both the environment you sleep in, and your behaviors. Sleep is one of the most important factors that contribute to our health, both mental health and physical health. And most people just don’t prioritize it.
Years ago, I read this article titled “Why Six Hours Of Sleep Is As Bad As None At All” and let me tell you, I was shook. As a therapist, I can tell you it will be very difficult to manage your emotions if you’re not getting enough sleep.
So if you’re motivated to get more (quantity) and better (quality) sleep, there are habits you can start shifting today. I recently listened to an episode of the Huberman Lab podcast on optimizing your sleep and have been incorporating these suggestions.
Rest more: We’re all burnt out. Ok, not everyone, but burnout is an epidemic right now. Hustle/grind culture is toxic. That’s a topic I could talk about at length and will probably write a full post about at some point.
As I write this, I see trees with bare branches outside my window. Everything in nature rests. It needs to. We are not an exception to that. Our energy is finite.
Yes, sleep is super important as I just discussed, but we also need rest. Rest is any activity that’s restorative, that gives us more energy than it takes.
My favorite almost-daily rest practice is taking what I call a “fake nap.” I can’t usually fall asleep for a real nap, but I just lie down and close my eyes for a while. Your rest might be knitting, or coloring, or going for a leisurely walk.
Please note that just because an activity is passive, doesn’t make it rest. For example, I don’t think scrolling through social media is rest because it’s not truly restorative. For most of us, it’s a way of numbing out and it makes us feel depleted afterwards, not restored.
Take care of your inner child: Most of my clients come to therapy saying they want to love themselves more. This is how you do it, by taking care of that most vulnerable, most authentic, often wounded part of yourself. Check out this blog post where I go into all the details of how to begin caring for your inner child.
Reevaluate your relationship with technology: As you could probably tell from the item about rest, I’m not a huge fan of social media. Technology addiction is a real thing and most of us spend way too much time looking at a screen. I’m not condemning technology, there are many benefits, but most of us could stand to do a digital detox.
A book that really motivated me to change my relationship with technology was Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention—And How to Think Deeply Again by Johann Hari. I’d say this was one of the top two books I read last year, so check it out if it sounds interesting to you. I often find non-fiction books to be dry but this one was not at all. The author has a humorous and relatable style that’s very engaging.
Spend more time in nature: Studies have shown that spending time in nature significantly improves our mental health and emotional well-being. But I don’t think I need to tell you that as I’m sure you’ve felt those benefits firsthand.
I think the “how to” is obvious here, so incorporate some daily or weekly nature time. Even if you’re a city-dweller, you can find local parks and green spaces. Getting out there for even a short time is beneficial. And while this is no replacement for going outside, you can also bring some nature to your indoor spaces with plants.
Do something creative: I’ve mentioned the problems with too much media consumption. Well, creation is the opposite of consumption and we need a balance of both.
I believe we are all creative. When I bring up the topic of creativity, most people immediately think of visual art, or music. And those are great! But if those aren’t your passions, you may say you’re not creative, and that’s just not true.
Let’s expand our definition of creativity. To create is to make something, to bring something into existence that did not exist before. That could be cooking a meal. Or building a piece of IKEA furniture. Or telling a joke.
You are creative. And engaging in creative pursuits helps us relieve stress, among so many other benefits.
The media you consume can clue you in to what might make a good creative pursuit for you. Do you like watching sports? Find a sport to start playing yourself. Enjoy scrolling through fashion accounts on social media? Go play dress-up in your own closet and invent some new outfits.
Try something new: Years ago I learned from Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project that novelty and challenge are two things that almost universally make people happier.
So make new friends. Try a new restaurant or type of cuisine. Start a new hobby. That could double as your creative pursuit too!
What have you always wanted to do but felt too afraid to? What have you kept putting off for a more “ideal” time? Let the New Year remind you that there’s no better time than the present.
Need help getting started?
If you want to increase your chances of following through on your New Year’s intention, you’re going to need some form of accountability. This might look like logging your new habit in your planner or journal, or checking in with a friend to give updates about your progress. Maybe you’ve got a friend with a similar goal and you guys can work on it together!
If your goal relates to your mental health, or if you feel like you need more guidance or more support than a friend can provide, you might consider therapy. If you live in Sacramento and this post resonated with you, feel free to set up a call with me.
