Anxiety Trigger: The Fear of Being Seen
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It took me 5 years to write this blog post. I feel a bit embarrassed to admit that, but not ashamed. Not anymore.
I’m not even going to say I was procrastinating. More accurately, I felt paralyzed by anxiety. When I sat down to really think about it, I realized there were two main things holding me back—perfectionism, and a fear of being seen.
The Fear of Being Seen
I’ve always been told I was a good writer. And yet, writing this blog still felt anxiety-provoking. As a therapist, the overlap between personal and professional is… Well, the Venn diagram is basically just a circle.
The instrument of my work is me—my authentic self. My emotions, my personality. Yes, I learned some helpful things in school. But the core of what makes therapy work is the relationship, the connection between the client and the therapist. So to share about the work and what I do here, I have to share myself.
Strangely, the most anxiety-inducing part for me isn’t sharing myself with strangers on the internet. And I’m an emotionally-expressive, open book to my close friends. But it’s the in between that feels murky—acquaintances, people I used to know. People I went to high school with. (I grew up here in the Sacramento area.) My teammates. (I’m an athlete.) I’m naturally a very private person.
Like many people, I’m so uncomfortable with the vulnerability of putting myself out there. And at the same time, I have a deep longing to be seen and known. We all do, underneath it all.
Perfectionism
Beyond the anxiety of being witnessed and potentially judged by random old acquaintances, I put off writing the blog because I wanted to do it perfectly. I am still in a process of unlearning toxic overachieving.
In the current time we find ourselves in, there are an overwhelming number of resources (books, articles, podcasts, videos, social media posts - just to name a few) with advice about the optimal way to do any given activity.
There are millions of examples (again, social media) of people out there doing the thing we want to do and doing it better than us. So the little gremlin inside our head whispers to us, “Why bother?” Perfectionism is all or nothing.
Perfectionism is a specific version of the fear of being seen—it’s a fear of being seen as the flawed, limited, still-learning beings that we are. Many of us worry that we won’t have worth if we allow ourselves to be as flawed and human as we are.
Taking Imperfect Action
So why am I telling you this story about how much anxiety I had about writing a blog? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that you too are keeping yourself small in some way. Not taking risks. Waiting for a more “ideal” time.
In other areas, like hobbies, I’ve learned that you can only get better by doing the thing. I thought about trying jiu jitsu for 6 months before I attended my first class. No amount of putting it off could save me from the initial anxiety, awkwardness, and feeling inept that comes with being a white belt newbie. I got better by simply continuing to show up.
I’m an artist. I don’t get better at my art by researching. I don’t get better from watching YouTube videos of other people making art. I get better from putting pen to paper.
I learn the most from the drawings I don’t like. I get specific about what I didn’t like and what I’d like to do differently next time, and I pivot. We acquire new skills in the doing and the pivoting. Taking initiative and getting started is the hardest part.
“Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction.”
I had an old yoga teacher who would always congratulate us for making it to class and getting on our mats, as he said that was the hardest part. And I agree.
Once I start a drawing, I’m in flow, and it takes on a life of its own. My hand just moves across the page, seemingly of its own accord. Convincing myself to start the drawing and make the first mark is the hardest part.
As a recovering perfectionist, I hate the messy rough draft stage. I hate feeling inept. But life is one big messy rough draft to which there is no pristine final copy. We just have to scratch things out and make notes in the margins.
Feeling inept is par for the course in being human. If we want to try anything new, if we want to grow, if we want to be more than who we have been, we’ll have to start as a beginner.
Let’s journey together.
We’re all still learning. Will you join me in taking one small step this week?
What’s your imperfect action? Maybe you can finally take that fitness class you’ve been thinking about trying. Or ask someone on a date! Or start your application for the Big Opportunity that your self-doubt gremlin has been trying to talk you out of.
Let this be our season of being seen!
Thank you for taking the time to read my imperfect blog post. I hope you found value in it. If you did, it would mean so much to me if you shared it with a friend who struggles with anxiety around being seen. I want this blog to serve as a space where I can provide mental health resources to the community in Sacramento and beyond.
