Overcoming Anxiety about Aging: You are More than Your Wrinkles

I’ve been thinking a lot about aging recently. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about the visible signs of aging in terms of my appearance and what that means for me in this society, particularly as a woman. Now that I’ve gotten a little bit of distance from that anxiety about aging and the compulsive thoughts and behaviors it provoked in me, I can see what lead me there.

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I blame consumerism. Okay, maybe blame isn’t the right word because I take responsibility for where I put my attention and the media I consume. But, much as I feel a bit embarrassed to admit it, I was influenced.

It started, innocently enough, by watching some videos about skincare. Videos that, in subtle or overt ways, promoted “anti-aging” products by suggesting that there was something wrong with my face. Or, there would very soon be something wrong with my face if I let nature take it’s course. That wrinkles and sagging skin should be avoided at all costs. Prevention is key!

It seemed like everyone was using these products and if you weren’t, then what were you thinking? If you can slow the hands of time, then why wouldn’t you?

I’m sure some of the creators of these videos are nice people. But this type of content was just preying upon and heightening the insecurities I’ve had my whole life—insecurities many of you have probably had too, as a result of growing up in a culture that glorifies youth and equates your physical appearance with your worth as a person.

Due to said cultural training, I don’t want to look older. I feel so fucking shallow admitting that, but it’s the truth of where I’m at right now. That thought doesn’t reflect my values. But I haven’t fully shaken the false beliefs I’ve internalized, despite all the inner work I’ve done over the years on my own and in therapy. Not yet.

I hate that it is widely considered complimentary (the highest compliment, to some) to tell a woman that she doesn’t look her age (i.e., that she looks younger). I hate the swell of affirmation I feel when I receive this type of compliment.

Anyhow, as a result of these influences and my own insecurities, I started using some skincare products with “active” ingredients and purported “anti-aging” benefits. It seemed harmless enough.

My Wake-Up Call

It wasn’t actually harmless though. I found myself spending more and more time watching skincare videos and online window shopping, trying to figure out what were the best products to use. This is now time I wish I could get back, time I wish I would have spent on the things that actually fulfill me.

I’d become obsessed. This wasn’t good for my mindset or emotions, and as it turns out, it wasn’t actually good for my skin either. I’m pretty sure I damaged my skin barrier and my skin got worse in the process.

The aforementioned products, with ingredients known to cause irritation, were too harsh for my sensitive skin and I would find my skin feeling… prickly the next day. Sensitized. Low-key irritated. And yet I powered through. I regrettably ignored my body’s signs of distress. I continued with my regimen, hell-bent on evading the hands of time. Until suddenly it hit me one day, a realization about the message I was sending to my inner child in doing this.

I was telling her, telling myself, that how you look is more important than how you feel. That it’s more important to be pretty than it is to feel good and physically comfortable. And that’s when I knew it had to stop. I was unwilling to continue upholding these false beliefs. So I put down the serums and began to take a more gentle approach, inside and out.

The Pressure to Conform

Just because I made the decision to step away from the “anti-aging” products doesn’t mean I’m feeling fully comfortable in my skin. Humans are social creatures by nature and we want to fit in with our tribe. Hell, I felt pressure to conform to a group of strangers on the internet! People who have no actual bearing on my day-to-day life. And yet I still got sucked in.

It’s hard to not want to adopt the behaviors of our peer group. Among my real, in-person connections, I see many people getting botox, fillers, and more. It’s not just limited to women, either. I see those my age getting procedures done and, alarmingly, in my opinion, those much younger doing it too.

It’s not my business what anyone else does with their face. But at the same time, it saddens and concerns me. I’m just speculating, but I doubt that many people make these cosmetic changes from a place of deep connection with themselves and alignment with their personal values. I’m willing to bet that most of them feel external pressures, pressures to conform. I believe that celebrities and “influencers” have really normalized injectables and other face-altering procedures.

I reserve the right to change my mind and maybe I will partake someday. But right now I wonder, worryingly, about what it’ll be like when I’m one of the few who actually looks my age. How will I feel someday when my face is wrinkled like a prune, while most of my peers remain preternaturally smooth with foreheads that don’t move when they’re surprised?

I wonder about how immobilizing your face, or at least parts of it, affects your experience of emotions and how others perceive your emotions. But now I’m getting on a tangent, so perhaps that’s something to explore further in the future…

What Ageist Culture is Doing to Our Young People

Anxiety about aging and obsession with a “youthful” personal appearance has become an epidemic, not only among those who show visible signs of aging, but also among teens and young adults who don’t even have their first wrinkle yet.

I learned some disturbing statistics from this 2021 article. According to a 2012 survey, at that time less than 20% of U.S. women aged 18-24 considered “anti-aging” skincare to be important. By 2018, a U.S. study by another company found that more than 50% of women aged 18-24 wanted to add “wrinkle-defying” products into their routines. I can only assume that by today in 2024, those numbers have grown exponentially.

Young Americans are spending their precious finite resources—money, time, and energy—trying to freeze time, so they can retain their socially-defined value. Their worth is tied up in glowing, bouncy, wrinkle-free skin.

I feel lucky, in a way, that I came of age in the aughts. I was worried about a lot of things (school, dating, money) but aging wasn’t one of them. Though I had many insecurities, including some about my physical appearance, the idea of looking older one day didn’t hang over me like a looming threat. I didn’t spend much time laboring over my face. And now I’m feeling nostalgic for a seemingly simpler time.

Obsessive focus on appearance distracts and disempowers us, and makes us miss out on our own lives. I know for myself, there are better things I could spend my time, money, and energy on. Maybe you feel the same way.

What We Actually Want

Love. We want to be loved. The aesthetic goals are a means to an end.

Here, I think of a therapy technique called the 5 whys that seeks to identify the root cause of a problem. Basically, it’s as simple as it sounds. You ask yourself the question “Why?” 5 times to delve deeper and deeper into your true motivations.

Example: I want to prevent wrinkles. Why? I want to stay looking young and beautiful. Why? I want to feel confident. People treat you better when you look more physically attractive. Why do you want that? I want to feel respected and admired. Why? I want to feel valued. Why? I want to feel like I have worth.

If what I really want is to be loved, why mess with my face? Why not just skip ahead, straight to the love?

Worthy of Love and Belonging

According to Brené Brown (one of my favorite authors of all time, truly) we all want to feel worthy of love and belonging, and we all are—already, right now, just as we are.

“The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now; right this minute. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created, unknowingly allowed, or been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

I’ll be worthy when I lose 20 pounds.
I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent.
I’ll be worthy when I can make a living selling my art.
I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.
I’ll be worthy when I make partner.
I’ll be worthy when I make more money.
I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.
I’ll be worthy if she calls back and asks me out.
I’ll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I’m not even trying.

Here’s what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness:
Worthy now.
Not if.
Not when.
We are worthy of love and belonging now.
Right this minute.
As is.”

— Brené Brown

As Brené talks about extensively in her work, there is a difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in requires changing who you are. Belonging is about being accepted, just as you are. My attempts at “anti-aging” were trying to fit in, and I betrayed myself in the process. Now, I want to belong, to myself first and foremost.

How to Begin to Heal Your Anxiety about Aging

Ok, so we’ve established that ageist appearance standards are pretty fucked up. So what do we do about it? The culture isn’t going to change, at least not anytime soon. How do we live our lives and feel good about ourselves when we’re bombarded with toxic messaging on a daily basis?

Educate yourself and dispel myths about aging.

Almost everything we’ve been taught about aging is a lie. Listening to this podcast episode featuring writer and anti-ageism activist Ashton Applewhite was a gamechanger for me.

I learned that we grow more different from each other as we age, so stereotypes that portray all older people as alike are misinformed. But in general, we get actually get happier the older we get!

I also learned that believing myths about aging harms our health and makes us more vulnerable to those things we fear about aging. So, your mindset has a big impact on your experience and how well you age.

I highly recommend the podcast episode, which left me feeling less fearful and more hopeful about the future. Ashton also has a book called This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism, which I’ve added to my to-read list. (I can also confirm that her book is available at the Sacramento Public Library.)

Get inspired by badass older women.

Right around the time I was in the midst of all this angst about aging, I sat in the airport waiting for my return flight home from a trip. The crowd was scarce—it was the last flight of the night, and my plane was only going to be a quarter of the way full. Sitting at the gate near me were two different older women who caught my eye, just based on how cool they looked. A sign from the universe.

One woman was with her husband and the other was traveling alone. They were dressed in two very different styles, but both exceedingly stylish. They dressed in their own unique style, not following trends.

Both women had plenty of wrinkles on their faces, but still seemed vibrant and youthful in spirit. Neither wore makeup. (This is no criticism to makeup, as I think it can be a fulfilling means of self-expression. Rather, my point is that at least in this moment, they weren’t trying to alter their facial appearances in any way.)

Each woman seemed utterly comfortable in her own skin. I wanted to be them. I still do. This experience was several months ago and yet I still have their images burned into my brain.

My ideas about what it would mean to be an older woman were scary. But the reality of these women sitting across from me in the airport terminal were anything but. They were aspirational. They were empowering.

Glorious Broads

Since my time at the airport I’ve been collecting sources of badass older women inspiration to look at daily, as an antidote to the ageist fearmongering that abounds. Seeing these women and hearing their stories makes me emotional every time.

They are unapologetic. They refuse to shrink. They are more confident now than they were when they were younger. They have stepped into their power.

• Glorious Broads on Instagram (You can also find them on Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, and their own website/blog.) If you check out one thing I’ve linked on my therapy blog, it should be this page! It’s that good. You’ll find clips of interviews with older women dishing out their hard-earned wisdom and personal stories. I wholeheartedly aspire to be a glorious broad.

• Ajumma EXP - “A flashmob dance crew of middle-aged women who celebrate the fierce Ajumma spirit.” I learned about them from this Good Morning America blog post. I originally learned the Korean term Ajumma, which refers to a middle-aged or older woman, from the book Flawless: Lessons in Looks and Culture from the K-Beauty Capital by Elise Hu. I highly recommend Hu’s book for a deeper dive into beauty culture, aesthetic labor, and the costs of an appearance-based society. (It is also available at the Sacramento Public Library.)

• A Glorious Freedom: Older Women Leading Extraordinary Lives by Lisa Congdon - Stories of women who have accomplished incredible things at an older age. Congdon calls herself a late bloomer and did not become a professional artist until the age of 39. (Also available at Sacramento Public Library)

• Collective Wisdom: Lessons, Inspiration, and Advice from Women Over 50 by Grace Bonney - Another collection of interviews with older women from diverse backgrounds and a wide variety of fields. The photography in this book is amazing and the photos really helped me connect to their stories. (Also available at Sacramento Public Library)

More on the Subject to Read and Watch

Some of the following links I have already read and others I’ve bookmarked to read/watch later, so please keep in mind that I may not necessarily agree with all the opinions shared. But if you’ve become as interested as I am about the interplay between aging, our physical appearances, our insecurities, and the culture, you may want to check out some of the following:

• A YouTube video from a financial writer on How Social Media Turned Us Into Youth-Obsessed Monsters

• The Age of Instagram Face - A New Yorker article on how social media, FaceTune, and plastic surgery have created a single, cyborgian look.

• Beauty reporter and critic Jessica Defino’s Substack blog, The Unpublishable, which includes posts such as Erasing Your Wrinkles Isn’t Empowerment, Anti-Aging Is A Construct, and ‘There’s no ethical way to sell products that target signs of aging.’

How will you approach aging?

This was a very personal post for me to write and I hope you found some value in it. You may disagree with some of the opinions I’ve shared here and that is welcomed! What I want most is to help people connect with their authenticity and make intentional choices in their lives that align with what they value most.

This week I encourage you to explore your own thoughts and feelings about aging.

Do you have anxiety about getting older?

Do you put a lot of time and energy into maintaining a “youthful” appearance? If so, do you feel that this effort is serving you?

What have you learned about aging from the family you grew up in and/or society at large? Do those beliefs align with your values?

How has your mindset changed over time, as you’ve gotten older?

There are so many aspects of this topic to explore. It could make for a good journaling exercise, or something to dive into in therapy, or to talk over with a trusted friend.

How to Reparent Your Inner Child and Support Yourself Through Challenges

Previously, I shared about how perfectionism and anxiety around being seen held me back from publishing blog posts until recently. Today I’d like to talk about how I’m supporting myself, and more specifically my inner child, through the process of sharing my writing with the Sacramento community and becoming more visible.

Inner child work, also known as reparenting, is at the center of my self-care, personal growth, and healing work, and is a practice I utilize in therapy with many of my clients as well.

Inner child work has been a game changer for me and has contributed more to my feeling of wholeness than any other practice.

Inner child therapy has gained more attention in recent years, particularly as it relates to healing from trauma, but I’d still like to define some terms for those of you who aren’t as familiar with this work.

What is the inner child?

The inner child is the child we used to be, frozen in time and living inside of our current adult self.

It’s a vulnerable part of ourself. An authentic part of ourself. It’s our wounds and our gifts, all wrapped up into one.

Every past version of ourself that existed doesn’t just disappear when we evolve past that age and stage of development. They still live on within us.

The inner child isn’t a singular entity. There are many inner children within us, at various ages and with different needs.

What is reparenting?

Reparenting is being our own caregiver. It’s taking care of our wide variety of needs to the best of our ability—physical needs, mental health needs, social needs, spiritual needs. The list goes on.

Reparenting is soothing that child’s anxiety. It’s giving ourselves what we needed and didn’t get, or didn’t get enough of, when we were younger.

No matter how well your parents attended to your needs when you were a child, they were still humans with limited resources and they didn’t do it perfectly. Which is why we all need reparenting, not just those of us with a history of childhood trauma.

Everything is inner child work.

You may be asking yourself, what does all of this have to do with you, Alyssa, writing a blog?

Well, inner child work isn’t just about doing specific journaling exercises or meditations. It’s not just about watching Disney movies or cuddling a stuffed animal. Inner child work is not separate from the rest of your life.

Each of your everyday activities is an opportunity to heal and to deepen your relationship with yourself.

Reparenting Ourselves Through Challenges

There are so many ways to take care of the inner child. Today I’m going to focus on the growth that comes from supporting ourselves through challenges.

These could be big life challenges, like going through a divorce, navigating a chronic illness, or grieving the death of a loved one.

They could be medium-sized challenges, like managing the anxiety of having a difficult conversation or applying for a new job.

Or they could be the smaller challenges of everyday life, like feeding yourself regular, nutritious meals, trying not to lose your temper with your kids, or completing chores or errands when your mood is low and you just don’t have the energy or motivation.

The Support We Didn’t Get

My parents did the best they could, but when I encountered a challenge in childhood, they tended to do either too much or not enough for me.

When I was faced with an intimidating task, they would often let me quit or take over and do it for me. So I didn’t have to face my discomfort, and I didn’t learn to do it myself.

The other alternative, which also happened, was that I was completely left on my own to figure out the situation with no guidance, and the intense anxiety and feelings of overwhelm were too much for my little nervous system to handle.

And so I associated trying new things with stress and fear. Panic. Like being thrown into the deep end of the pool. Rather than learning to swim, you just end up choking on water.

There is another way.

As a kid, I needed an adult to ease my anxiety by holding my hand and walking me through a challenge step by step. But I still needed them to let me do it myself, knowing I could ask for their help if I really got stuck.

I needed someone to know me well enough to identify the right level of challenge for me.

Now I can be that person for myself, and you can also do this for your inner little one.

Finding Your Edge

I often talk to clients about finding their edge. This is a term I picked up years ago from yoga instructors.

Your “edge” is the edge of your comfort zone. It’s your right level of challenge. It’s where you might still be a little nervous, but not so overcome by anxiety that you can’t function.

In yoga, you don’t want the pose to be so easy that it’s no challenge at all and you feel like you could hold it all day. Then you wouldn’t grow. You wouldn’t get stronger or more flexible, and you’d be bored.

At the other end of the spectrum, you don’t want the pose to be so difficult that you’re white-knuckling it, shaking like a leaf. That’s not sustainable. You could injure yourself. Or at the very least, it would turn yoga class into something you dread instead of something enjoyable.

And so it’s the same with life. Sometimes it takes some trial and error of turning the intensity level up and down until you find your edge. But that right level of challenge is where the magic happens.

It’s where we find growth, and a sense of competence. There’s a little bit of risk involved, but not so much that it feels unsafe.

In somatic therapy, which is often used to treat trauma, we use the term titration to describe the process of going slowly—limiting experiences of anxiety and distress to bite-sized amounts, to help us build up our tolerance and prevent emotional flooding (a.k.a. overwhelm). This is another edge-finding tool.

What I’m Teaching My Inner Child

There’s an underlying message in everything we do or don’t do—beliefs and values we uphold. We have to ask ourselves, are those messages in alignment with my integrity and the life I want to create?

By letting myself be controlled by anxiety, staying small, and keeping my voice and expression to myself, I was sending myself the covert message that approval is more important than authenticity. I don’t actually believe that.

In stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing my writing publicly, I’m teaching my inner child the following:

• It’s safe to try new things.

• Taking risks, in alignment with our values, is worthwhile.

• It’s ok to make mistakes. You don’t have to be perfect.

• It is safe to be seen.

• It is safe to be your authentic self.

• Expressing my truth is more important than being approved of by everyone.

• We value vulnerability.

• You can tolerate feeling uncomfortable.

• (As Glennon Doyle says) We can do hard things!

Ways I’m Supporting Myself

How I’m Creating Safety within Challenge:

• Titrating (a.k.a. baby steps!): Only writing for a short, set amount of time and sticking to that expectation. Not moving the goal post and pressuring myself to write for longer than I initially committed to.

• Taking care of myself through every step of the process—before, during, and after:

• Before: Grounding myself to release anxiety. My mind feels clearest and my body feels most settled after I do one of my go-to self-care practices—some deep breathing, a grounding meditation, a walk around my Sacramento neighborhood, or some time spent off the grid in nature.
  If I plan my day so that the challenging task immediately follows one of these practices, then I can carry that grounded, secure energy throughout the process of doing the intimidating task.

• During: I make myself as physically comfortable as possible, speaking to each of my senses. I make sure I have a yummy drink. I write sitting on the couch rather than at a desk because that makes it feel less like work to me, less “official,” and takes some of the pressure off. I drape a soft blanket over my lap, and I light a candle or some incense to set the mood.

• After: I lavish praise on my inner child. Literally. In my inner monologue, I tell that little girl how proud of her I am, over and over again. This might feel cheesy, or fake, or indulgent at first, but over time that self-compassion becomes second nature.
  This is also a great time to reward yourself by doing something fun!

• Being vigilant of perfectionism: My inner critic is not invited to the party. When that critical voice appears, because it will, I usher it away and redirect myself. This is a boundary I maintain with myself.
  I write first, staying in flow, and edit later. I keep the editing to a minimum, to counter my tendencies towards perfectionism and nitpicking.
  I remind myself that it’s about the sentiment, the message, and the emotions behind it, not the exact words. I remind myself of my values and my goal for the therapy blog. I’m trying to connect and relate with others. If I’ve done that, then it’s enough.

• Boundaries: Not oversharing. I only share what I feel truly comfortable with. I only solicit feedback from those I trust—people who are emotionally safe and supportive, and who share the same values as me.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

— John Steinbeck

It’s your turn!

I hope that sharing my personal story has helped take inner child work from theoretical to something that feels actionable to you. This week I encourage you to identify a challenge you can support yourself through and begin envisioning how you would do that.

What would it look like to soothe your inner child’s anxiety, hold their hand, and walk them through it step by step? How can you titrate or break it down into baby steps?

Identify your values, why this is important to you, and the messages you want to send to yourself. How can you best use the resources you have? What words of reassurance do you need to hear? How can you make it feel safe?

Me and Little Alyssa are sending you and your inner child all the love and well wishes for your healing journey!

What Anxiety Feels Like: An Analogy to Help You Understand

Author’s Note: I originally wrote this blog post in 2020. I rediscovered it recently when I logged into my therapy website to start blogging, for real this time. I read the post and said to myself, “Why the hell didn’t I publish this?!” I’d been paralyzed by the fear of being seen all those years ago, and that’s something I’m still working to move past. I’m sharing this post now, in hopes that it can help someone. I also want to inspire you to follow my lead and put yourself out there in some small way. In the long run, we tend to regret most the things we didn’t do and the chances we didn’t take…

Imagine you’re sitting in a chair. You're feeling very laid back, casual; even a little playful. You tip your chair to balance on the back two legs. You continue to chat and joke with whoever's around when... uh-oh! You've lost your balance, leaned back just a degree too far. There’s a split-second moment when you know you're going to fall but you haven't hit the floor yet, a sense of impending doom. And in that split second, your body has changed. The sense of stability and ease you had has been replaced with a pounding heart, breath held in, sweating, tight muscles. You're bracing for impact. Your mind is focused on this crash landing that's about to occur and you can't think about anything else. Now take this feeling and stretch it beyond a split second. Stretch it over hours, days, weeks, months. Sometimes even years. This is anxiety—in limbo, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If you fall out of your chair, you can pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off, bandaid a scraped elbow if need be, and get on with your day. But with anxiety, the crash landings we spend so much time fearing rarely come to pass. That and our worries aren't isolated. As soon as we reassure ourselves about one potential danger, those thoughts are replaced by worries about yet another threat; it's unending.

Living with a mind that works this way is exhausting. I know from personal experience. I may be a therapist, but I was also born with an anxious brain. And I know that one of the most frustrating things for people who suffer from anxiety is dealing from well-meaning but unhelpful advice from loved ones. I'm sure you've heard it—"Just don't think about it," "Stop overthinking," "You need to get out of your head," "Don't sweat the small stuff." Oh yes, wouldn't it be nice to just turn your brain off? But that's all easier said than done.

So what does work? For friends and family members, just being there. Ask if there's anything you can do to help. Offer a listening ear. Empathize, but don't try to solve their problems for them.

And for you, the brave soul on the other side of the screen, the one who struggles with anxiety - What will help? Reducing your stressors. Taking care of your physical health. Changing your thought patterns. Finding social support.

I’ll dive into each of those topics in future posts on my therapy blog, but for now, know that you are not alone. Many other people have felt this way. The anxiety, worry, and pressures may be weighing heavily on you right now, but these feelings don't have to last forever.

If you live in the Sacramento area and are considering anxiety treatment, don't hesitate to reach out. I encourage you to give me a call at 916.432.2300 or follow this link to schedule a time to talk.

Anxiety Trigger: The Fear of Being Seen

It took me 5 years to write this blog post. I feel a bit embarrassed to admit that, but not ashamed. Not anymore.

I’m not even going to say I was procrastinating. More accurately, I felt paralyzed by anxiety. When I sat down to really think about it, I realized there were two main things holding me back—perfectionism, and a fear of being seen.

The Fear of Being Seen

I’ve always been told I was a good writer. And yet, writing this blog still felt anxiety-provoking. As a therapist, the overlap between personal and professional is… Well, the Venn diagram is basically just a circle.

The instrument of my work is me—my authentic self. My emotions, my personality. Yes, I learned some helpful things in school. But the core of what makes therapy work is the relationship, the connection between the client and the therapist. So to share about the work and what I do here, I have to share myself.

Strangely, the most anxiety-inducing part for me isn’t sharing myself with strangers on the internet. And I’m an emotionally-expressive, open book to my close friends. But it’s the in between that feels murky—acquaintances, people I used to know. People I went to high school with. (I grew up here in the Sacramento area.) My teammates. (I’m an athlete.) I’m naturally a very private person.

Like many people, I’m so uncomfortable with the vulnerability of putting myself out there. And at the same time, I have a deep longing to be seen and known. We all do, underneath it all.

Perfectionism

Beyond the anxiety of being witnessed and potentially judged by random old acquaintances, I put off writing the blog because I wanted to do it perfectly. I am still in a process of unlearning toxic overachieving.

In the current time we find ourselves in, there are an overwhelming number of resources (books, articles, podcasts, videos, social media posts - just to name a few) with advice about the optimal way to do any given activity.

There are millions of examples (again, social media) of people out there doing the thing we want to do and doing it better than us. So the little gremlin inside our head whispers to us, “Why bother?” Perfectionism is all or nothing.

Perfectionism is a specific version of the fear of being seen—it’s a fear of being seen as the flawed, limited, still-learning beings that we are. Many of us worry that we won’t have worth if we allow ourselves to be as flawed and human as we are.

Taking Imperfect Action

So why am I telling you this story about how much anxiety I had about writing a blog? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that you too are keeping yourself small in some way. Not taking risks. Waiting for a more “ideal” time.

In other areas, like hobbies, I’ve learned that you can only get better by doing the thing. I thought about trying jiu jitsu for 6 months before I attended my first class. No amount of putting it off could save me from the initial anxiety, awkwardness, and feeling inept that comes with being a white belt newbie. I got better by simply continuing to show up.

I’m an artist. I don’t get better at my art by researching. I don’t get better from watching YouTube videos of other people making art. I get better from putting pen to paper.

I learn the most from the drawings I don’t like. I get specific about what I didn’t like and what I’d like to do differently next time, and I pivot. We acquire new skills in the doing and the pivoting. Taking initiative and getting started is the hardest part.

“Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction.”

— Harry S. Truman

I had an old yoga teacher who would always congratulate us for making it to class and getting on our mats, as he said that was the hardest part. And I agree.

Once I start a drawing, I’m in flow, and it takes on a life of its own. My hand just moves across the page, seemingly of its own accord. Convincing myself to start the drawing and make the first mark is the hardest part.

As a recovering perfectionist, I hate the messy rough draft stage. I hate feeling inept. But life is one big messy rough draft to which there is no pristine final copy. We just have to scratch things out and make notes in the margins.

Feeling inept is par for the course in being human. If we want to try anything new, if we want to grow, if we want to be more than who we have been, we’ll have to start as a beginner.

Let’s journey together.

We’re all still learning. Will you join me in taking one small step this week?

What’s your imperfect action? Maybe you can finally take that fitness class you’ve been thinking about trying. Or ask someone on a date! Or start your application for the Big Opportunity that your self-doubt gremlin has been trying to talk you out of.

Let this be our season of being seen!

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Thank you for taking the time to read my imperfect blog post. I hope you found value in it. If you did, it would mean so much to me if you shared it with a friend who struggles with anxiety around being seen. I want this blog to serve as a space where I can provide mental health resources to the community in Sacramento and beyond.