Letters from Love: A Journaling Practice for Unconditional Self-Love

I was going to write a different blog post this week, on an entirely different topic. I’ve got that post in draft and I’ll share it in the near future. But what I want for this therapy blog space is to share what feels most compelling to me at the moment, what’s top of mind. The things I’m really feeling passionate about. And this week, being introduced the practice I’m about to share knocked me on my ass, in the best possible way. It cracked my heart open so that more love could enter, and I’ve cried so many healing tears. Which is why I wanted to share it with all of you, A.S.A.P.! I want that same experience for you.

Elizabeth Gilbert

This week I listened to an episode of We Can Do Hard Things (one of my favorite podcasts, I highly recommend it) with writer Elizabeth Gilbert as the guest. For those who aren’t familiar, Elizabeth Gilbert is most well-known for writing the memoir Eat, Pray, Love.

In the episode, Elizabeth shared about her daily practice of writing herself letters from unconditional love and how she is now sharing this practice with her community on Substack.

Apparently this practice, also known as two-way prayer, is a lesser-known tool that originates from Alcoholics Anonymous. But you don’t need to be in 12-step recovery to partake.

I know the word prayer can scare people off, but you don’t need to be religious either. I think of this as a perfect spiritual practice for people who don’t consider themselves spiritual. It connects you to a higher power, but that power isn’t a god on the outside—it’s simply the kindest, wisest part of yourself.

The Harsh Inner Critic

Pretty much everyone I know, both personally and among clients who have walked into my Sacramento therapy office—most everyone who has shared a glimpse of their inner world with me—acknowledges having a harsh inner critical voice.

I used to think that this harsh inner criticism was just human nature, but now I don’t think so. I believe that we are socialized to think this way. We’re taught to shame and blame ourselves by the families we grew up in, or by the culture (and in this case I’m referring to mainstream U.S. culture, though it’s not exclusive), or more likely by both.

The harsh inner critic contributes to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It destroys our self-confidence and makes us feel like failures.

The practice of writing letters from love is a much-needed antidote to the ways that many of us tear ourselves down internally on a daily basis. It cultivates, or rather gives us greater access to, an inner ally—a limitless source of love, support, and comfort.

A Bottomless Hunger for Love

So often, we try to get this need for love met externally—most commonly from a romantic partner, but it could also be from a boss, a parent, or someone else. Or more than one person. When we interact with them, internally, we’re screaming, “Validate me!”

We make that person our Source and hinge our sense of worth upon their assurances. We make them responsible for relieving our anxiety. It’s not fair to the other person and, maybe more importantly, it doesn’t work.

I have struggled with an anxious attachment style (expect a full blog post about attachment styles at some point in the future) and I have described my heart as being like a bucket full of holes. External validation can never fill the bucket. It’s impossible. The game is rigged and no matter how much love the partner or whoever pours into me, it simply flows back out.

Self-love, however, defies those limitations. It patches up those heart-holes (not overnight, but over time) and the love sticks, leaving a greater feeling of security. I know this to be true, from personal experience.

The hard part is the how. How do you pour love into your own heart when you’re accustomed to berating yourself at every turn? You can’t just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and magically love yourself.

Self-love isn’t something you can force. You have to go gently. You have to take time and care and energy to build a relationship with yourself.

I won’t lie, it does take time to develop that relationship and it’s probably a lifetime journey of growing and deepening in intimacy with yourself. But the benefits of this practice are immediate and you can take comfort in your own loving words, today.

I adore the practice of writing letters from Love because it gives us a practical, tangible way to cultivate and nurture the relationship with ourself every single day.

The Practice of Writing Letters from Love

By now I’m sure you’re wondering, “So what do I do?” I won’t leave you in suspense. The practice is simple. It starts with a question. This can be any question of your choosing. Maybe it’s something specific that you need guidance about.

Elizabeth Gilbert uses the same open-ended question each time. She asks, “Dear Love — What would you have me know today?”

The rest is Love’s answer to you. If unconditional love had a voice, what would it say to you? Just let the words flow and don’t overthink it.

This is a feeling practice, not a thinking practice. A heart practice, not a head practice. Elizabeth recommends limiting yourself to 5 minutes to combat the tendency to overthink.

I find that writing by hand works best for channeling this energy of unconditional love. But there’s no wrong way to do this practice, so if you prefer to type it out, you can.

One other suggestion to help you embody that warm, nurturing energy is to refer to yourself with terms of endearment. I don’t know about you, but I come up with a million cutesy nicknames for the people and animals in my life who are dear to me. So if you want to give love to yourself, and receive love from yourself, the pet names are a good place to start.

Please see Elizabeth Gilbert’s post for more tips on the How? of writing letters from love.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I won’t share my own letters from love in their entirety here, but the first line of the first letter I wrote myself started with “There is nothing wrong with you.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing to fix, nothing to strive for, nothing to prove. I already love you. I always have and I always will. That cannot be taken away.”

Isn’t that what we all need to hear? Especially in a culture where we are told daily, hourly, that everything is wrong with us and it can all be solved by throwing our money and energy at the latest quick fix.

Many of us have never experienced true unconditional love. Especially if you have a history of trauma. Our parents did the best they could but they were flawed and human and they probably conveyed in subtle or overt ways that you were not enough just as you are.

I’m not here to blame your parents for all your insecurities. All I’m saying is that now you have the power to give yourself the deep, truly unconditional love you may not have experienced. Give yourself the gift of what your heart has been longing for.

The Universal Voice of Unconditional Love

There is a consistency in the voice of unconditional love. You’ll notice commonalities between other people’s letters, and among your own letters over time.

Love reassures us that it’s here with us and will never leave. That we don’t have to earn love. That we are worthy and deserving, just as we are. Love tells us to slow down, to rest, to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to prove ourselves. Stop beating ourselves up.

This voice of compassion is our true nature, but we have to invite it in to be able to access it.

Who is this practice for?

As a therapist and someone who has significantly benefitted from writing myself letters from love, I’m biased, and I think this practice is for just about everyone. But it’s especially useful for anyone who struggles with anxiety or has a history of trauma. And anyone who finds themself caught up in seeking external validation.

If you care too much about what other people think of you, this practice is for you. It makes a great adjunct to therapy or your own self-help work. Writing yourself letters from love is also another way to care for and heal your inner child.

Begin your own relationship with Love today.

It’s your turn. If you feel inspired, try writing a letter to yourself from unconditional love today. Please don’t feel overwhelmed or daunted by this task. It doesn’t have to be a big undertaking. Your letter could be just a few sentences, or even a single sentence if that’s what comes up for you. Don’t overcomplicate it, because the process is simple. Just say to yourself the things that you have always longed to hear somebody else say to you. That’s all.

Not ready to write your own letter from love just yet? That’s ok. Part of self-love and self-compassion is being patient with yourself. If warmth and support and reassurance still feels like a foreign language to you, you can read other people’s letters for examples and inspiration until you’re ready to dip your toe in the water yourself.

I’m sending unconditional love to all of you, dear readers. Take good care of yourselves and have a love-filled day.

How to Reparent Your Inner Child and Support Yourself Through Challenges

Previously, I shared about how perfectionism and anxiety around being seen held me back from publishing blog posts until recently. Today I’d like to talk about how I’m supporting myself, and more specifically my inner child, through the process of sharing my writing with the Sacramento community and becoming more visible.

Inner child work, also known as reparenting, is at the center of my self-care, personal growth, and healing work, and is a practice I utilize in therapy with many of my clients as well.

Inner child work has been a game changer for me and has contributed more to my feeling of wholeness than any other practice.

Inner child therapy has gained more attention in recent years, particularly as it relates to healing from trauma, but I’d still like to define some terms for those of you who aren’t as familiar with this work.

What is the inner child?

The inner child is the child we used to be, frozen in time and living inside of our current adult self.

It’s a vulnerable part of ourself. An authentic part of ourself. It’s our wounds and our gifts, all wrapped up into one.

Every past version of ourself that existed doesn’t just disappear when we evolve past that age and stage of development. They still live on within us.

The inner child isn’t a singular entity. There are many inner children within us, at various ages and with different needs.

What is reparenting?

Reparenting is being our own caregiver. It’s taking care of our wide variety of needs to the best of our ability—physical needs, mental health needs, social needs, spiritual needs. The list goes on.

Reparenting is soothing that child’s anxiety. It’s giving ourselves what we needed and didn’t get, or didn’t get enough of, when we were younger.

No matter how well your parents attended to your needs when you were a child, they were still humans with limited resources and they didn’t do it perfectly. Which is why we all need reparenting, not just those of us with a history of childhood trauma.

Everything is inner child work.

You may be asking yourself, what does all of this have to do with you, Alyssa, writing a blog?

Well, inner child work isn’t just about doing specific journaling exercises or meditations. It’s not just about watching Disney movies or cuddling a stuffed animal. Inner child work is not separate from the rest of your life.

Each of your everyday activities is an opportunity to heal and to deepen your relationship with yourself.

Reparenting Ourselves Through Challenges

There are so many ways to take care of the inner child. Today I’m going to focus on the growth that comes from supporting ourselves through challenges.

These could be big life challenges, like going through a divorce, navigating a chronic illness, or grieving the death of a loved one.

They could be medium-sized challenges, like managing the anxiety of having a difficult conversation or applying for a new job.

Or they could be the smaller challenges of everyday life, like feeding yourself regular, nutritious meals, trying not to lose your temper with your kids, or completing chores or errands when your mood is low and you just don’t have the energy or motivation.

The Support We Didn’t Get

My parents did the best they could, but when I encountered a challenge in childhood, they tended to do either too much or not enough for me.

When I was faced with an intimidating task, they would often let me quit or take over and do it for me. So I didn’t have to face my discomfort, and I didn’t learn to do it myself.

The other alternative, which also happened, was that I was completely left on my own to figure out the situation with no guidance, and the intense anxiety and feelings of overwhelm were too much for my little nervous system to handle.

And so I associated trying new things with stress and fear. Panic. Like being thrown into the deep end of the pool. Rather than learning to swim, you just end up choking on water.

There is another way.

As a kid, I needed an adult to ease my anxiety by holding my hand and walking me through a challenge step by step. But I still needed them to let me do it myself, knowing I could ask for their help if I really got stuck.

I needed someone to know me well enough to identify the right level of challenge for me.

Now I can be that person for myself, and you can also do this for your inner little one.

Finding Your Edge

I often talk to clients about finding their edge. This is a term I picked up years ago from yoga instructors.

Your “edge” is the edge of your comfort zone. It’s your right level of challenge. It’s where you might still be a little nervous, but not so overcome by anxiety that you can’t function.

In yoga, you don’t want the pose to be so easy that it’s no challenge at all and you feel like you could hold it all day. Then you wouldn’t grow. You wouldn’t get stronger or more flexible, and you’d be bored.

At the other end of the spectrum, you don’t want the pose to be so difficult that you’re white-knuckling it, shaking like a leaf. That’s not sustainable. You could injure yourself. Or at the very least, it would turn yoga class into something you dread instead of something enjoyable.

And so it’s the same with life. Sometimes it takes some trial and error of turning the intensity level up and down until you find your edge. But that right level of challenge is where the magic happens.

It’s where we find growth, and a sense of competence. There’s a little bit of risk involved, but not so much that it feels unsafe.

In somatic therapy, which is often used to treat trauma, we use the term titration to describe the process of going slowly—limiting experiences of anxiety and distress to bite-sized amounts, to help us build up our tolerance and prevent emotional flooding (a.k.a. overwhelm). This is another edge-finding tool.

What I’m Teaching My Inner Child

There’s an underlying message in everything we do or don’t do—beliefs and values we uphold. We have to ask ourselves, are those messages in alignment with my integrity and the life I want to create?

By letting myself be controlled by anxiety, staying small, and keeping my voice and expression to myself, I was sending myself the covert message that approval is more important than authenticity. I don’t actually believe that.

In stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing my writing publicly, I’m teaching my inner child the following:

• It’s safe to try new things.

• Taking risks, in alignment with our values, is worthwhile.

• It’s ok to make mistakes. You don’t have to be perfect.

• It is safe to be seen.

• It is safe to be your authentic self.

• Expressing my truth is more important than being approved of by everyone.

• We value vulnerability.

• You can tolerate feeling uncomfortable.

• (As Glennon Doyle says) We can do hard things!

Ways I’m Supporting Myself

How I’m Creating Safety within Challenge:

• Titrating (a.k.a. baby steps!): Only writing for a short, set amount of time and sticking to that expectation. Not moving the goal post and pressuring myself to write for longer than I initially committed to.

• Taking care of myself through every step of the process—before, during, and after:

• Before: Grounding myself to release anxiety. My mind feels clearest and my body feels most settled after I do one of my go-to self-care practices—some deep breathing, a grounding meditation, a walk around my Sacramento neighborhood, or some time spent off the grid in nature.
  If I plan my day so that the challenging task immediately follows one of these practices, then I can carry that grounded, secure energy throughout the process of doing the intimidating task.

• During: I make myself as physically comfortable as possible, speaking to each of my senses. I make sure I have a yummy drink. I write sitting on the couch rather than at a desk because that makes it feel less like work to me, less “official,” and takes some of the pressure off. I drape a soft blanket over my lap, and I light a candle or some incense to set the mood.

• After: I lavish praise on my inner child. Literally. In my inner monologue, I tell that little girl how proud of her I am, over and over again. This might feel cheesy, or fake, or indulgent at first, but over time that self-compassion becomes second nature.
  This is also a great time to reward yourself by doing something fun!

• Being vigilant of perfectionism: My inner critic is not invited to the party. When that critical voice appears, because it will, I usher it away and redirect myself. This is a boundary I maintain with myself.
  I write first, staying in flow, and edit later. I keep the editing to a minimum, to counter my tendencies towards perfectionism and nitpicking.
  I remind myself that it’s about the sentiment, the message, and the emotions behind it, not the exact words. I remind myself of my values and my goal for the therapy blog. I’m trying to connect and relate with others. If I’ve done that, then it’s enough.

• Boundaries: Not oversharing. I only share what I feel truly comfortable with. I only solicit feedback from those I trust—people who are emotionally safe and supportive, and who share the same values as me.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

— John Steinbeck

It’s your turn!

I hope that sharing my personal story has helped take inner child work from theoretical to something that feels actionable to you. This week I encourage you to identify a challenge you can support yourself through and begin envisioning how you would do that.

What would it look like to soothe your inner child’s anxiety, hold their hand, and walk them through it step by step? How can you titrate or break it down into baby steps?

Identify your values, why this is important to you, and the messages you want to send to yourself. How can you best use the resources you have? What words of reassurance do you need to hear? How can you make it feel safe?

Me and Little Alyssa are sending you and your inner child all the love and well wishes for your healing journey!

Sacramento Therapist Book Club - Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs

What is Sacramento Therapist Book Club?

Sacramento Therapist Book Club is a series of blog posts I’m starting, to review books on a wide range of topics that fall within the sphere of personal growth and trauma healing. I read a lot of self-help books!

I’m obviously a huge proponent of therapy for support and guidance on your journey, but there’s a lot of work you can do on your own to manage your anxiety and other symptoms, and just take better care of yourself. I want to share my thoughts to give you a better idea of whether or not these books would be helpful for you, before you purchase.

I value shopping local and purchase most of my books from Underground Books in Oak Park. If you’re also in the Sacramento area, I highly recommend them!

If you’re on a budget, be sure to check out your local library. I know that the Sacramento Public Library has a copy of the book I’m reviewing today.

Without further ado, let me give you my first book review!

Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty

I’ve followed Mara Glatzel’s work since the early 2010s when she wrote a blog on body image and self-acceptance called Medicinal Marzipan. Currently, I subscribe to her newsletter, and her podcast, also titled Needy, is one of my favorites.

Mara’s voice soothes my anxiety and her podcast is one of my go-tos to listen to when I’m resting, as I know from experience that the information presented in her unique voice helps me feel nourished and not overwhelmed.

When Mara released a book earlier this year, I knew I was on board and even pre-ordered. In my opinion, Needy is the ultimate guide to self-care. Not the idea of self-care we’re sold. Real self-care. The messy, imperfect, but oh-so-worth-it ways of meeting our needs that are actually within reach for busy humans.

Mara shows us how to show up for ourselves in ways that don’t adhere to some lofty ideal, but are practical and doable. She shares my values in that she acknowledges that this work is a long game, a lifelong practice, and not a quick fix.

Mara’s Style

One thing I really like about Needy is that it’s almost entirely written from Mara’s own personal experiences and work with coaching clients. It’s not full of scientific evidence or references to other people’s work.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with books like that, I appreciate science! But, they can tend to feel a bit dry and impersonal to me.

I love hearing people’s stories—personal stories, trauma and all. Whether it’s in my work with therapy clients, or in getting to know people in my personal life, or in reading a book or listening to a podcast, I want to get personal, and deep.

Mara’s way of writing is full of heart and kept me engaged, compared to other non-fiction writing that can feel like a slog to get through.

Opening

The full title of Mara Glatzel’s book is Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty. It opens with one of my favorite poems, “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver. This had me in tears before I even got to the introduction.

Oliver’s line, “You do not have to walk on your knees/ For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting” always gets me. And I think that sets the tone for this book. It’s a needed reminder.

So many of us, especially those of us with a history of trauma, carry an apologetic energy—sorry for existing, sorry for taking up space, sorry for being human. No more.

The Structure

Needy has a chapter dedicated to each of the following needs:

• Safety

• Rest

• Sustenance

• Trust

• Integrity

• Sovereignty

• Love

• Belonging

• Celebration

Mara has a frame work for self-acceptance in which we progress through the following stages:

1. Self-responsibility

2. Self-care

3. Self-trust

4. Self-love

Each stage builds upon the previous one. Advocacy can be woven into any of these stages, as we find the places where meeting our needs intersects with our relationships with others.

Each chapter includes journaling prompts and practices. This book isn’t just something to read, it’s something to do.

One of my favorite things about the way the book is set up is that following the explanation for each of the practices, there’s a section titled “THIS MIGHT LOOK LIKE…” It offers examples of how you might meet this need at each of the self-acceptance stages.

I so appreciate this. I’m always hungry for examples—What does this actually look like? How does one actually do this in your life?

Mara paints a clear picture of the tiniest baby step you can start with, and how meeting these needs can progress over time.

You don’t have to do it all at once! You get to be a beginner, or at whichever stage you’re at.

Finally, each chapter ends with a list of commitments Mara has made to herself, in order to meet the need that chapter focuses on (safety, rest, sustenance, etc.).

Reclaiming “Needy”

In both her podcast and this book, Mara Glatzel helps us reframe and reclaim the word needy.

Before finding her work, I had honestly never heard the word needy used with a positive or even neutral connotation. My inner people pleaser learned at a very young age that being needy is a bad thing. I’m still unlearning this.

I’m really interested in language—the words we use, how we use them, and the meanings—especially emotional meanings—they carry.

Sometimes I make up words, when the standard words don’t fit or I don’t like the connotation the culture has imbued them with. One such word I made up is “needful.”

It’s like needy, but positive. I’ll tell my inner child, “You are so wonderfully needful.”

Feel free to use this if you’re struggling with the word needy and if it resonates with you.

In Conclusion

I highly recommend Needy. This book is for you if you feel like you aren’t taking very good care of yourself. If you struggle to take up space in your own life.

“This book is for those of us who learned to mask our needs under an armor of self-reliance because our needs weren’t met as children.
This book is for those of us who don’t often feel seen, held, or heard.
This book is for those of us trying to tend to our needs in the hidden corners of our lives to protect ourselves from the intimacy of having our messy humanity witnessed and judged.
This book is for those of us who carry the story that no one would stay if they really knew us.
This book is for those of us who abandon ourselves in an attempt to belong.”

— Mara Glatzel

Your needs aren’t optional. Now is the perfect time to take your first step towards sovereignty, towards autonomy, towards freedom. Pick up this book today!