How to Reparent Your Inner Child and Support Yourself Through Challenges
/Previously, I shared about how perfectionism and anxiety around being seen held me back from publishing blog posts until recently. Today I’d like to talk about how I’m supporting myself, and more specifically my inner child, through the process of sharing my writing with the Sacramento community and becoming more visible.
Inner child work, also known as reparenting, is at the center of my self-care, personal growth, and healing work, and is a practice I utilize in therapy with many of my clients as well.
Inner child work has been a game changer for me and has contributed more to my feeling of wholeness than any other practice.
Inner child therapy has gained more attention in recent years, particularly as it relates to healing from trauma, but I’d still like to define some terms for those of you who aren’t as familiar with this work.
What is the inner child?
The inner child is the child we used to be, frozen in time and living inside of our current adult self.
It’s a vulnerable part of ourself. An authentic part of ourself. It’s our wounds and our gifts, all wrapped up into one.
Every past version of ourself that existed doesn’t just disappear when we evolve past that age and stage of development. They still live on within us.
The inner child isn’t a singular entity. There are many inner children within us, at various ages and with different needs.
What is reparenting?
Reparenting is being our own caregiver. It’s taking care of our wide variety of needs to the best of our ability—physical needs, mental health needs, social needs, spiritual needs. The list goes on.
Reparenting is soothing that child’s anxiety. It’s giving ourselves what we needed and didn’t get, or didn’t get enough of, when we were younger.
No matter how well your parents attended to your needs when you were a child, they were still humans with limited resources and they didn’t do it perfectly. Which is why we all need reparenting, not just those of us with a history of childhood trauma.
Everything is inner child work.
You may be asking yourself, what does all of this have to do with you, Alyssa, writing a blog?
Well, inner child work isn’t just about doing specific journaling exercises or meditations. It’s not just about watching Disney movies or cuddling a stuffed animal. Inner child work is not separate from the rest of your life.
Each of your everyday activities is an opportunity to heal and to deepen your relationship with yourself.
Reparenting Ourselves Through Challenges
There are so many ways to take care of the inner child. Today I’m going to focus on the growth that comes from supporting ourselves through challenges.
These could be big life challenges, like going through a divorce, navigating a chronic illness, or grieving the death of a loved one.
They could be medium-sized challenges, like managing the anxiety of having a difficult conversation or applying for a new job.
Or they could be the smaller challenges of everyday life, like feeding yourself regular, nutritious meals, trying not to lose your temper with your kids, or completing chores or errands when your mood is low and you just don’t have the energy or motivation.
The Support We Didn’t Get
My parents did the best they could, but when I encountered a challenge in childhood, they tended to do either too much or not enough for me.
When I was faced with an intimidating task, they would often let me quit or take over and do it for me. So I didn’t have to face my discomfort, and I didn’t learn to do it myself.
The other alternative, which also happened, was that I was completely left on my own to figure out the situation with no guidance, and the intense anxiety and feelings of overwhelm were too much for my little nervous system to handle.
And so I associated trying new things with stress and fear. Panic. Like being thrown into the deep end of the pool. Rather than learning to swim, you just end up choking on water.
There is another way.
As a kid, I needed an adult to ease my anxiety by holding my hand and walking me through a challenge step by step. But I still needed them to let me do it myself, knowing I could ask for their help if I really got stuck.
I needed someone to know me well enough to identify the right level of challenge for me.
Now I can be that person for myself, and you can also do this for your inner little one.
Finding Your Edge
I often talk to clients about finding their edge. This is a term I picked up years ago from yoga instructors.
Your “edge” is the edge of your comfort zone. It’s your right level of challenge. It’s where you might still be a little nervous, but not so overcome by anxiety that you can’t function.
In yoga, you don’t want the pose to be so easy that it’s no challenge at all and you feel like you could hold it all day. Then you wouldn’t grow. You wouldn’t get stronger or more flexible, and you’d be bored.
At the other end of the spectrum, you don’t want the pose to be so difficult that you’re white-knuckling it, shaking like a leaf. That’s not sustainable. You could injure yourself. Or at the very least, it would turn yoga class into something you dread instead of something enjoyable.
And so it’s the same with life. Sometimes it takes some trial and error of turning the intensity level up and down until you find your edge. But that right level of challenge is where the magic happens.
It’s where we find growth, and a sense of competence. There’s a little bit of risk involved, but not so much that it feels unsafe.
In somatic therapy, which is often used to treat trauma, we use the term titration to describe the process of going slowly—limiting experiences of anxiety and distress to bite-sized amounts, to help us build up our tolerance and prevent emotional flooding (a.k.a. overwhelm). This is another edge-finding tool.
What I’m Teaching My Inner Child
There’s an underlying message in everything we do or don’t do—beliefs and values we uphold. We have to ask ourselves, are those messages in alignment with my integrity and the life I want to create?
By letting myself be controlled by anxiety, staying small, and keeping my voice and expression to myself, I was sending myself the covert message that approval is more important than authenticity. I don’t actually believe that.
In stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing my writing publicly, I’m teaching my inner child the following:
It’s safe to try new things.
Taking risks, in alignment with our values, is worthwhile.
It’s ok to make mistakes. You don’t have to be perfect.
It is safe to be seen.
It is safe to be your authentic self.
Expressing my truth is more important than being approved of by everyone.
We value vulnerability.
You can tolerate feeling uncomfortable.
(As Glennon Doyle says) We can do hard things!
Ways I’m Supporting Myself
How I’m Creating Safety within Challenge:
Titrating (a.k.a. baby steps!): Only writing for a short, set amount of time and sticking to that expectation. Not moving the goal post and pressuring myself to write for longer than I initially committed to.
Taking care of myself through every step of the process—before, during, and after:
Before: Grounding myself to release anxiety. My mind feels clearest and my body feels most settled after I do one of my go-to self-care practices—some deep breathing, a grounding meditation, a walk around my Sacramento neighborhood, or some time spent off the grid in nature.
If I plan my day so that the challenging task immediately follows one of these practices, then I can carry that grounded, secure energy throughout the process of doing the intimidating task.During: I make myself as physically comfortable as possible, speaking to each of my senses. I make sure I have a yummy drink. I write sitting on the couch rather than at a desk because that makes it feel less like work to me, less “official,” and takes some of the pressure off. I drape a soft blanket over my lap, and I light a candle or some incense to set the mood.
After: I lavish praise on my inner child. Literally. In my inner monologue, I tell that little girl how proud of her I am, over and over again. This might feel cheesy, or fake, or indulgent at first, but over time that self-compassion becomes second nature.
This is also a great time to reward yourself by doing something fun!Being vigilant of perfectionism: My inner critic is not invited to the party. When that critical voice appears, because it will, I usher it away and redirect myself. This is a boundary I maintain with myself.
I write first, staying in flow, and edit later. I keep the editing to a minimum, to counter my tendencies towards perfectionism and nitpicking.
I remind myself that it’s about the sentiment, the message, and the emotions behind it, not the exact words. I remind myself of my values and my goal for the therapy blog. I’m trying to connect and relate with others. If I’ve done that, then it’s enough.Boundaries: Not oversharing. I only share what I feel truly comfortable with. I only solicit feedback from those I trust—people who are emotionally safe and supportive, and who share the same values as me.
“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
It’s your turn!
I hope that sharing my personal story has helped take inner child work from theoretical to something that feels actionable to you. This week I encourage you to identify a challenge you can support yourself through and begin envisioning how you would do that.
What would it look like to soothe your inner child’s anxiety, hold their hand, and walk them through it step by step? How can you titrate or break it down into baby steps?
Identify your values, why this is important to you, and the messages you want to send to yourself. How can you best use the resources you have? What words of reassurance do you need to hear? How can you make it feel safe?
Me and Little Alyssa are sending you and your inner child all the love and well wishes for your healing journey!
