Overcoming Anxiety about Aging: You are More than Your Wrinkles

I’ve been thinking a lot about aging recently. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about the visible signs of aging in terms of my appearance and what that means for me in this society, particularly as a woman. Now that I’ve gotten a little bit of distance from that anxiety about aging and the compulsive thoughts and behaviors it provoked in me, I can see what lead me there.

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I blame consumerism. Okay, maybe blame isn’t the right word because I take responsibility for where I put my attention and the media I consume. But, much as I feel a bit embarrassed to admit it, I was influenced.

It started, innocently enough, by watching some videos about skincare. Videos that, in subtle or overt ways, promoted “anti-aging” products by suggesting that there was something wrong with my face. Or, there would very soon be something wrong with my face if I let nature take it’s course. That wrinkles and sagging skin should be avoided at all costs. Prevention is key!

It seemed like everyone was using these products and if you weren’t, then what were you thinking? If you can slow the hands of time, then why wouldn’t you?

I’m sure some of the creators of these videos are nice people. But this type of content was just preying upon and heightening the insecurities I’ve had my whole life—insecurities many of you have probably had too, as a result of growing up in a culture that glorifies youth and equates your physical appearance with your worth as a person.

Due to said cultural training, I don’t want to look older. I feel so fucking shallow admitting that, but it’s the truth of where I’m at right now. That thought doesn’t reflect my values. But I haven’t fully shaken the false beliefs I’ve internalized, despite all the inner work I’ve done over the years on my own and in therapy. Not yet.

I hate that it is widely considered complimentary (the highest compliment, to some) to tell a woman that she doesn’t look her age (i.e., that she looks younger). I hate the swell of affirmation I feel when I receive this type of compliment.

Anyhow, as a result of these influences and my own insecurities, I started using some skincare products with “active” ingredients and purported “anti-aging” benefits. It seemed harmless enough.

My Wake-Up Call

It wasn’t actually harmless though. I found myself spending more and more time watching skincare videos and online window shopping, trying to figure out what were the best products to use. This is now time I wish I could get back, time I wish I would have spent on the things that actually fulfill me.

I’d become obsessed. This wasn’t good for my mindset or emotions, and as it turns out, it wasn’t actually good for my skin either. I’m pretty sure I damaged my skin barrier and my skin got worse in the process.

The aforementioned products, with ingredients known to cause irritation, were too harsh for my sensitive skin and I would find my skin feeling… prickly the next day. Sensitized. Low-key irritated. And yet I powered through. I regrettably ignored my body’s signs of distress. I continued with my regimen, hell-bent on evading the hands of time. Until suddenly it hit me one day, a realization about the message I was sending to my inner child in doing this.

I was telling her, telling myself, that how you look is more important than how you feel. That it’s more important to be pretty than it is to feel good and physically comfortable. And that’s when I knew it had to stop. I was unwilling to continue upholding these false beliefs. So I put down the serums and began to take a more gentle approach, inside and out.

The Pressure to Conform

Just because I made the decision to step away from the “anti-aging” products doesn’t mean I’m feeling fully comfortable in my skin. Humans are social creatures by nature and we want to fit in with our tribe. Hell, I felt pressure to conform to a group of strangers on the internet! People who have no actual bearing on my day-to-day life. And yet I still got sucked in.

It’s hard to not want to adopt the behaviors of our peer group. Among my real, in-person connections, I see many people getting botox, fillers, and more. It’s not just limited to women, either. I see those my age getting procedures done and, alarmingly, in my opinion, those much younger doing it too.

It’s not my business what anyone else does with their face. But at the same time, it saddens and concerns me. I’m just speculating, but I doubt that many people make these cosmetic changes from a place of deep connection with themselves and alignment with their personal values. I’m willing to bet that most of them feel external pressures, pressures to conform. I believe that celebrities and “influencers” have really normalized injectables and other face-altering procedures.

I reserve the right to change my mind and maybe I will partake someday. But right now I wonder, worryingly, about what it’ll be like when I’m one of the few who actually looks my age. How will I feel someday when my face is wrinkled like a prune, while most of my peers remain preternaturally smooth with foreheads that don’t move when they’re surprised?

I wonder about how immobilizing your face, or at least parts of it, affects your experience of emotions and how others perceive your emotions. But now I’m getting on a tangent, so perhaps that’s something to explore further in the future…

What Ageist Culture is Doing to Our Young People

Anxiety about aging and obsession with a “youthful” personal appearance has become an epidemic, not only among those who show visible signs of aging, but also among teens and young adults who don’t even have their first wrinkle yet.

I learned some disturbing statistics from this 2021 article. According to a 2012 survey, at that time less than 20% of U.S. women aged 18-24 considered “anti-aging” skincare to be important. By 2018, a U.S. study by another company found that more than 50% of women aged 18-24 wanted to add “wrinkle-defying” products into their routines. I can only assume that by today in 2024, those numbers have grown exponentially.

Young Americans are spending their precious finite resources—money, time, and energy—trying to freeze time, so they can retain their socially-defined value. Their worth is tied up in glowing, bouncy, wrinkle-free skin.

I feel lucky, in a way, that I came of age in the aughts. I was worried about a lot of things (school, dating, money) but aging wasn’t one of them. Though I had many insecurities, including some about my physical appearance, the idea of looking older one day didn’t hang over me like a looming threat. I didn’t spend much time laboring over my face. And now I’m feeling nostalgic for a seemingly simpler time.

Obsessive focus on appearance distracts and disempowers us, and makes us miss out on our own lives. I know for myself, there are better things I could spend my time, money, and energy on. Maybe you feel the same way.

What We Actually Want

Love. We want to be loved. The aesthetic goals are a means to an end.

Here, I think of a therapy technique called the 5 whys that seeks to identify the root cause of a problem. Basically, it’s as simple as it sounds. You ask yourself the question “Why?” 5 times to delve deeper and deeper into your true motivations.

Example: I want to prevent wrinkles. Why? I want to stay looking young and beautiful. Why? I want to feel confident. People treat you better when you look more physically attractive. Why do you want that? I want to feel respected and admired. Why? I want to feel valued. Why? I want to feel like I have worth.

If what I really want is to be loved, why mess with my face? Why not just skip ahead, straight to the love?

Worthy of Love and Belonging

According to Brené Brown (one of my favorite authors of all time, truly) we all want to feel worthy of love and belonging, and we all are—already, right now, just as we are.

“The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now; right this minute. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created, unknowingly allowed, or been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

I’ll be worthy when I lose 20 pounds.
I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent.
I’ll be worthy when I can make a living selling my art.
I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.
I’ll be worthy when I make partner.
I’ll be worthy when I make more money.
I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.
I’ll be worthy if she calls back and asks me out.
I’ll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I’m not even trying.

Here’s what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness:
Worthy now.
Not if.
Not when.
We are worthy of love and belonging now.
Right this minute.
As is.”

— Brené Brown

As Brené talks about extensively in her work, there is a difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in requires changing who you are. Belonging is about being accepted, just as you are. My attempts at “anti-aging” were trying to fit in, and I betrayed myself in the process. Now, I want to belong, to myself first and foremost.

How to Begin to Heal Your Anxiety about Aging

Ok, so we’ve established that ageist appearance standards are pretty fucked up. So what do we do about it? The culture isn’t going to change, at least not anytime soon. How do we live our lives and feel good about ourselves when we’re bombarded with toxic messaging on a daily basis?

Educate yourself and dispel myths about aging.

Almost everything we’ve been taught about aging is a lie. Listening to this podcast episode featuring writer and anti-ageism activist Ashton Applewhite was a gamechanger for me.

I learned that we grow more different from each other as we age, so stereotypes that portray all older people as alike are misinformed. But in general, we get actually get happier the older we get!

I also learned that believing myths about aging harms our health and makes us more vulnerable to those things we fear about aging. So, your mindset has a big impact on your experience and how well you age.

I highly recommend the podcast episode, which left me feeling less fearful and more hopeful about the future. Ashton also has a book called This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism, which I’ve added to my to-read list. (I can also confirm that her book is available at the Sacramento Public Library.)

Get inspired by badass older women.

Right around the time I was in the midst of all this angst about aging, I sat in the airport waiting for my return flight home from a trip. The crowd was scarce—it was the last flight of the night, and my plane was only going to be a quarter of the way full. Sitting at the gate near me were two different older women who caught my eye, just based on how cool they looked. A sign from the universe.

One woman was with her husband and the other was traveling alone. They were dressed in two very different styles, but both exceedingly stylish. They dressed in their own unique style, not following trends.

Both women had plenty of wrinkles on their faces, but still seemed vibrant and youthful in spirit. Neither wore makeup. (This is no criticism to makeup, as I think it can be a fulfilling means of self-expression. Rather, my point is that at least in this moment, they weren’t trying to alter their facial appearances in any way.)

Each woman seemed utterly comfortable in her own skin. I wanted to be them. I still do. This experience was several months ago and yet I still have their images burned into my brain.

My ideas about what it would mean to be an older woman were scary. But the reality of these women sitting across from me in the airport terminal were anything but. They were aspirational. They were empowering.

Glorious Broads

Since my time at the airport I’ve been collecting sources of badass older women inspiration to look at daily, as an antidote to the ageist fearmongering that abounds. Seeing these women and hearing their stories makes me emotional every time.

They are unapologetic. They refuse to shrink. They are more confident now than they were when they were younger. They have stepped into their power.

• Glorious Broads on Instagram (You can also find them on Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, and their own website/blog.) If you check out one thing I’ve linked on my therapy blog, it should be this page! It’s that good. You’ll find clips of interviews with older women dishing out their hard-earned wisdom and personal stories. I wholeheartedly aspire to be a glorious broad.

• Ajumma EXP - “A flashmob dance crew of middle-aged women who celebrate the fierce Ajumma spirit.” I learned about them from this Good Morning America blog post. I originally learned the Korean term Ajumma, which refers to a middle-aged or older woman, from the book Flawless: Lessons in Looks and Culture from the K-Beauty Capital by Elise Hu. I highly recommend Hu’s book for a deeper dive into beauty culture, aesthetic labor, and the costs of an appearance-based society. (It is also available at the Sacramento Public Library.)

• A Glorious Freedom: Older Women Leading Extraordinary Lives by Lisa Congdon - Stories of women who have accomplished incredible things at an older age. Congdon calls herself a late bloomer and did not become a professional artist until the age of 39. (Also available at Sacramento Public Library)

• Collective Wisdom: Lessons, Inspiration, and Advice from Women Over 50 by Grace Bonney - Another collection of interviews with older women from diverse backgrounds and a wide variety of fields. The photography in this book is amazing and the photos really helped me connect to their stories. (Also available at Sacramento Public Library)

More on the Subject to Read and Watch

Some of the following links I have already read and others I’ve bookmarked to read/watch later, so please keep in mind that I may not necessarily agree with all the opinions shared. But if you’ve become as interested as I am about the interplay between aging, our physical appearances, our insecurities, and the culture, you may want to check out some of the following:

• A YouTube video from a financial writer on How Social Media Turned Us Into Youth-Obsessed Monsters

• The Age of Instagram Face - A New Yorker article on how social media, FaceTune, and plastic surgery have created a single, cyborgian look.

• Beauty reporter and critic Jessica Defino’s Substack blog, The Unpublishable, which includes posts such as Erasing Your Wrinkles Isn’t Empowerment, Anti-Aging Is A Construct, and ‘There’s no ethical way to sell products that target signs of aging.’

How will you approach aging?

This was a very personal post for me to write and I hope you found some value in it. You may disagree with some of the opinions I’ve shared here and that is welcomed! What I want most is to help people connect with their authenticity and make intentional choices in their lives that align with what they value most.

This week I encourage you to explore your own thoughts and feelings about aging.

Do you have anxiety about getting older?

Do you put a lot of time and energy into maintaining a “youthful” appearance? If so, do you feel that this effort is serving you?

What have you learned about aging from the family you grew up in and/or society at large? Do those beliefs align with your values?

How has your mindset changed over time, as you’ve gotten older?

There are so many aspects of this topic to explore. It could make for a good journaling exercise, or something to dive into in therapy, or to talk over with a trusted friend.

Letters from Love: A Journaling Practice for Unconditional Self-Love

I was going to write a different blog post this week, on an entirely different topic. I’ve got that post in draft and I’ll share it in the near future. But what I want for this therapy blog space is to share what feels most compelling to me at the moment, what’s top of mind. The things I’m really feeling passionate about. And this week, being introduced the practice I’m about to share knocked me on my ass, in the best possible way. It cracked my heart open so that more love could enter, and I’ve cried so many healing tears. Which is why I wanted to share it with all of you, A.S.A.P.! I want that same experience for you.

Elizabeth Gilbert

This week I listened to an episode of We Can Do Hard Things (one of my favorite podcasts, I highly recommend it) with writer Elizabeth Gilbert as the guest. For those who aren’t familiar, Elizabeth Gilbert is most well-known for writing the memoir Eat, Pray, Love.

In the episode, Elizabeth shared about her daily practice of writing herself letters from unconditional love and how she is now sharing this practice with her community on Substack.

Apparently this practice, also known as two-way prayer, is a lesser-known tool that originates from Alcoholics Anonymous. But you don’t need to be in 12-step recovery to partake.

I know the word prayer can scare people off, but you don’t need to be religious either. I think of this as a perfect spiritual practice for people who don’t consider themselves spiritual. It connects you to a higher power, but that power isn’t a god on the outside—it’s simply the kindest, wisest part of yourself.

The Harsh Inner Critic

Pretty much everyone I know, both personally and among clients who have walked into my Sacramento therapy office—most everyone who has shared a glimpse of their inner world with me—acknowledges having a harsh inner critical voice.

I used to think that this harsh inner criticism was just human nature, but now I don’t think so. I believe that we are socialized to think this way. We’re taught to shame and blame ourselves by the families we grew up in, or by the culture (and in this case I’m referring to mainstream U.S. culture, though it’s not exclusive), or more likely by both.

The harsh inner critic contributes to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It destroys our self-confidence and makes us feel like failures.

The practice of writing letters from love is a much-needed antidote to the ways that many of us tear ourselves down internally on a daily basis. It cultivates, or rather gives us greater access to, an inner ally—a limitless source of love, support, and comfort.

A Bottomless Hunger for Love

So often, we try to get this need for love met externally—most commonly from a romantic partner, but it could also be from a boss, a parent, or someone else. Or more than one person. When we interact with them, internally, we’re screaming, “Validate me!”

We make that person our Source and hinge our sense of worth upon their assurances. We make them responsible for relieving our anxiety. It’s not fair to the other person and, maybe more importantly, it doesn’t work.

I have struggled with an anxious attachment style (expect a full blog post about attachment styles at some point in the future) and I have described my heart as being like a bucket full of holes. External validation can never fill the bucket. It’s impossible. The game is rigged and no matter how much love the partner or whoever pours into me, it simply flows back out.

Self-love, however, defies those limitations. It patches up those heart-holes (not overnight, but over time) and the love sticks, leaving a greater feeling of security. I know this to be true, from personal experience.

The hard part is the how. How do you pour love into your own heart when you’re accustomed to berating yourself at every turn? You can’t just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and magically love yourself.

Self-love isn’t something you can force. You have to go gently. You have to take time and care and energy to build a relationship with yourself.

I won’t lie, it does take time to develop that relationship and it’s probably a lifetime journey of growing and deepening in intimacy with yourself. But the benefits of this practice are immediate and you can take comfort in your own loving words, today.

I adore the practice of writing letters from Love because it gives us a practical, tangible way to cultivate and nurture the relationship with ourself every single day.

The Practice of Writing Letters from Love

By now I’m sure you’re wondering, “So what do I do?” I won’t leave you in suspense. The practice is simple. It starts with a question. This can be any question of your choosing. Maybe it’s something specific that you need guidance about.

Elizabeth Gilbert uses the same open-ended question each time. She asks, “Dear Love — What would you have me know today?”

The rest is Love’s answer to you. If unconditional love had a voice, what would it say to you? Just let the words flow and don’t overthink it.

This is a feeling practice, not a thinking practice. A heart practice, not a head practice. Elizabeth recommends limiting yourself to 5 minutes to combat the tendency to overthink.

I find that writing by hand works best for channeling this energy of unconditional love. But there’s no wrong way to do this practice, so if you prefer to type it out, you can.

One other suggestion to help you embody that warm, nurturing energy is to refer to yourself with terms of endearment. I don’t know about you, but I come up with a million cutesy nicknames for the people and animals in my life who are dear to me. So if you want to give love to yourself, and receive love from yourself, the pet names are a good place to start.

Please see Elizabeth Gilbert’s post for more tips on the How? of writing letters from love.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I won’t share my own letters from love in their entirety here, but the first line of the first letter I wrote myself started with “There is nothing wrong with you.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing to fix, nothing to strive for, nothing to prove. I already love you. I always have and I always will. That cannot be taken away.”

Isn’t that what we all need to hear? Especially in a culture where we are told daily, hourly, that everything is wrong with us and it can all be solved by throwing our money and energy at the latest quick fix.

Many of us have never experienced true unconditional love. Especially if you have a history of trauma. Our parents did the best they could but they were flawed and human and they probably conveyed in subtle or overt ways that you were not enough just as you are.

I’m not here to blame your parents for all your insecurities. All I’m saying is that now you have the power to give yourself the deep, truly unconditional love you may not have experienced. Give yourself the gift of what your heart has been longing for.

The Universal Voice of Unconditional Love

There is a consistency in the voice of unconditional love. You’ll notice commonalities between other people’s letters, and among your own letters over time.

Love reassures us that it’s here with us and will never leave. That we don’t have to earn love. That we are worthy and deserving, just as we are. Love tells us to slow down, to rest, to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to prove ourselves. Stop beating ourselves up.

This voice of compassion is our true nature, but we have to invite it in to be able to access it.

Who is this practice for?

As a therapist and someone who has significantly benefitted from writing myself letters from love, I’m biased, and I think this practice is for just about everyone. But it’s especially useful for anyone who struggles with anxiety or has a history of trauma. And anyone who finds themself caught up in seeking external validation.

If you care too much about what other people think of you, this practice is for you. It makes a great adjunct to therapy or your own self-help work. Writing yourself letters from love is also another way to care for and heal your inner child.

Begin your own relationship with Love today.

It’s your turn. If you feel inspired, try writing a letter to yourself from unconditional love today. Please don’t feel overwhelmed or daunted by this task. It doesn’t have to be a big undertaking. Your letter could be just a few sentences, or even a single sentence if that’s what comes up for you. Don’t overcomplicate it, because the process is simple. Just say to yourself the things that you have always longed to hear somebody else say to you. That’s all.

Not ready to write your own letter from love just yet? That’s ok. Part of self-love and self-compassion is being patient with yourself. If warmth and support and reassurance still feels like a foreign language to you, you can read other people’s letters for examples and inspiration until you’re ready to dip your toe in the water yourself.

I’m sending unconditional love to all of you, dear readers. Take good care of yourselves and have a love-filled day.

Music Therapy: 5 Songs To Boost Your Mood When You Feel Like Sh*t

Author’s note: This is another throwback post. I originally wrote this blog post in November of 2017, and I’m sharing it now as part of my season of being seen. While the songs may not be the most current, I still believe that each of them can speak to your soul and empower you. This post is for those crappy self-esteem days we all have. I share how (and why) to use music as an easy, accessible way to begin lifting yourself out of those moods. I hope these recommendations resonate with you.

Maybe you're just having a bad day or maybe you've felt like this for a while now. We've all been there. The voice of insecurity speaks loud and clear inside your head. It seems that no part of yourself has been left untouched by this self-criticism; you can't stand what you see in the mirror and pick yourself apart. You feel like a crappy parent or partner. You fear that you're incompetent at your job and worry that you'll be 'found out'. You know there are things you like about yourself, but you can't remember them at the moment.

Or maybe you feel ok about yourself at the moment, but not about life. When it rains, it pours. There's constantly a crisis, another fire to put out. You're beginning to feel hopeless and dog-tired.

Whatever the case may be, you're not feeling your best. If you find yourself in this position, I have a few suggestions. Remember that you are not alone, you're not the only person who has felt this way. Try to extend the same kindness and gentleness to yourself that you would to a loved one. And don't get tunnel vision; when things are going wrong we tend to hyper-focus on the negatives while ignoring the good that remains. Try to step back, get some perspective, and take a more balanced point of view.

One thing that I often forget about, despite how simple and effective it can be, is the healing power of music. Music is therapy; it’s an almost universal source of joy for humans. Years and years ago, before modern technology, our ancestors would sit around a campfire at night, tell stories, and sing and dance. And I'm sure you've experienced that zing of glee when your favorite song comes on the radio. Music is a resource that's always available to you.

Here are five of my favorite songs to uplift you during difficult times:

1. Colbie Cailat - Try

This song speaks to the intense pressure many of us feel to change ourselves in order to meet other people's (and society's) expectations. We all want to be accepted, but Colbie reminds us that we are good enough as we are and that the most important thing is how you feel about yourself. As we watch the video, we see the relief that Colbie and the others feel when they stop trying so hard to fit in and embrace their authentic selves.

2. India Arie - Beautiful Flower

Like Colbie's song, in Beautiful Flower, India Arie touches upon the cultural pressures to look a certain way. But this song is about so much more. While it's specifically directed at girls, I believe that India's message is something we all need to hear at times. It is about being multifaceted, special, and resilient. Many of us, especially those of us with a history of trauma, underestimate ourselves. But you are more powerful than you know. If you find that you are doubting yourself, let this song be your affirmation.

3. Matisyahu - Live Like A Warrior

This song is about those times when you're trying your hardest, but it seems like everything (and everyone) is against you; those times when life just feels so unfair and you feel exhausted. You have a choice - you can give into hopelessness or you can harness your inner warrior. He encourages you to let go of past mistakes and start fresh, with renewed energy. This one is a little more fast-paced, which just adds to that uplifting feeling.

4. Katy Perry - Rise

Katy Perry's Rise is an anthem for the trauma survivor. For the resilient one, the person who gets back up no matter how many times they get knocked down. The character Katy portrays in the video isn't without insecurities. She has her doubts, and yet she still persists. There's a part of her, her inner wisdom, that knows better and pushes her to persevere. No matter what, she doesn't stop fighting. The beautiful visuals underscore the sentiments of the lyrics.

5. Amy Steinberg - Exactly

This song implores us to accept what is with the repeated mantra "I am exactly where I need to be". I believe that much of our anxiety and emotional suffering is a result of our refusal to accept the reality of present circumstances. But it's only once we accept what is that we can change what we don't like. Amy's song is deeply spiritual, but not in a way that favors any one religion or spiritual tradition. Instead, she simply acknowledges the interconnection of all things, including nature. I find the lyrics to be brilliantly poetic and the tune is delightfully catchy.

Have your own music therapy sesh!

Give these songs a listen today or, if they’re not your cup of tea, create your own mood boosting playlist. For Spotify users, if you search “mood boost,” there are a number of pre-made playlist options. The bottom line is, I encourage you to take advantage of the therapeutic and transformative power of music because it’s so easily accessible.

However, if you’re struggling with your mental health and no amount of coping skills seem to make a difference, it may be time to seek help. You don’t have to go it alone. If you’re in the Sacramento area (or if you live elsewhere in California and are open to online therapy) please don’t hesitate to reach out for a free 15-minute phone consultation.